So I thought I’d share some tips from our fellow Belle’s at Daily Worth so we could stay up-to-date on what I refer to as “smart cards”. These are the four cards they’ve found give you the “most buck for your bang”, (i.e. cash back for purchases.)  When you put it that way, they’re kind of like a plastic pimp for those days when you feel like being a shoe whore… just what I needed!

According to Daily Worth, the Top 4 Cash-Back Cards are:

1. Chase Freedom – You earn an unlimited 1% cash back on all purchases, and 5% cash back on rotating categories of purchases like gas, groceries, travel, and more (a quarterly maximum applies).  And, there’s NO annual fee!

2. Discover More – I can’t say I’m surprised to see this one on the list.  My mom has always used Discover and she is the “Queen of Saving Money”, and likely where I picked up my desire to be financially independent at a young age.  (Besides, there’s nothing more rewarding than buying your own bling, right?)  This is a great cash back card, but it requires patience… which is unfortunately something I was not lucky enough to inherit from my mother.  You can earn 5% cash back (up to a maximum), but it does so in rotating categories.  It also gives you up to 1% cash back on many other purchases – unlimited!  This card also has NO annual fee.

3. Blue Cash from American Express - This is the cash back card recommended for the Big Spending Belles.  If you charge less than $6,500 per year, Blue Cash offers 1% cash back on purchases at supermarkets, drug stores and gas stations and 0.5% cash back on all other items.  Spend more than $6,500 in a year (this would be ME) and earn 5% cash back on those three categories – and 1.25% on other items.  There is no annual fee and the rewards are unlimited.  Lord, if that doesn’t make you want to run to Stuart Weitzman… I don’t know what will!

4. Capital One No Hassle Cash Rewards – I was surprised to see this one on the list, mostly because Capital One seemed to be one of the big guys giving a credit card to anyone who could spell their name back when I was in college.  However, it seems they’ve gotten their shit together since then.  You get 2% cash back on gas and grocery purchases and 1% back on all other purchases.  While the rewards are unlimited, the card does charge an annual fee that varies according to your credit score.  … so maybe they’re still up to no good.  Personally, if I have to pay to play… the prize better be bigger than 1-2%, but that’s just me.

So, essentially it looks like the card companies are trying to give us the benefit of saving on things we have to buy anyway… so we have more to spend on all the goodies we don’t need.  As I’ve mentioned before, bankrate.com is an excellent resource for all the best financial options available, and if you’d like to compare more credit cards you can check out creditcards.com.

All this talk of cash-back has me feeling the need for a little extravagance.  Luckily, my sister has arrived in the Windy City to visit so I expect to have no problem getting into trouble.  Have a great weekend Belles!

]]> http://www.independentbelle.com/index.php/2010/07/lets-make-some-money-honey/feed/ 2 http://www.independentbelle.com/index.php/2010/07/858/ http://www.independentbelle.com/index.php/2010/07/858/#comments Fri, 16 Jul 2010 17:21:04 +0000 Independent Belle http://www.independentbelle.com/?p=858 What can I say, the past two weeks have been the emotional equivalent of a Brazilian wax.  While I’m no longer curled up crying on the couch or getting blotto before 5 p.m., I do unfortunately… still miss him… especially at night.  I know, I know, no one has ever felt better after a late night phone call to an ex.  (I’ve actually had a little experience with this.)

I don’t want to make it sound like I need to be put in a straightjacket or anything.  I’ve definitely gotten a clearer perspective on things now that it’s not fresh.  I know anyone I date who will quit over trivial matters, will never stick around for the serious obstacles in life.  That being said, it still sucks.

My friends have been excellent.  Take that back, OUTSTANDING.  They’ve sat on my couch with me as I drank from the Prosecco bottle and managed to act as if nothing were wrong.  They’ve called late at night to check on me and sent me reminder text messages to “BE STRONG”, because as it turns out… all Belles are vulnerable to late night temptations to call.  I’ve received SO many emails from Belles all over, telling me their stories of heartache and giving me tips that helped them move forward.  I didn’t think about it when I wrote my last post, but heartbreak truly is something we can all relate too.  In many ways, I haven’t felt alone at all this week.

So this is really just a quick note to say thank you for making me feel so important and loved this week.  Even my sister and I made a pact that if we got tempted to text/call our exes, we would call each other instead.  I have no doubt I’ll be taking her up on that.  I know there are probably sad moments still to come, but it’s good to know I have such a wonderful support system here for me until the heartache passes.

And with that, I’m starting my weekend off right and heading to the salon for a cut/color (a “breakover” must) and then out to meet girlfriends for drinks… thanks again Belles… you’re the best!

REALITY #1:  I wasn’t that into The Coach in the beginning…

However, somewhere in the middle of all the highs and lows I quit asking myself how I felt because I was always focused on him.  I suppose, ideally in a relationship this gesture is a reciprocated act, but when it’s not…you simply put someone else’s needs before your own and forget who is supposed to be #1.  Once I had some distance from The Coach, I was able to admit that things weren’t as magical as I liked to believe.  Conversations were always about him (HIS day at work, HIS stress, things HE wanted or needed to do) …and everything was planned according to HIS schedule, and on HIS terms.  Aside from a handful of gestures, he didn’t go out of his way to make me happy, or cheer me up after a difficult day, or support me in any of my endeavors.

And maybe this sounds petty, but he NEVER even read any of my writing, (with the exception of the time I had my latest post up on my laptop and asked, “have you read this one?”, at which time he looked over and skimmed a paragraph and smiled.)  After all, writing was something we had in common!  Not to mention, I read through his 10″ thick book of work (which by the way, was filled with 100′s of poems about past loves and romantic musings.)  I remember reading it and thinking, “wow, he didn’t have a problem expressing his feelings in the past, why doesn’t he show me this side of him”  All of these things combined, resulted in me having to face:

(Harsh) REALITY #2. I dug my own grave.

I made excuses and ignored the red flags when I saw them.  I filled in the blanks when he was vague and nonchalant.  Worst of all, when he said he “didn’t want a serious relationship”, I told myself the aftermath of his previous relationship left him unable to trust; that he just needed time.  Foolishly, I thought he meant it when he asked that I, “be patient and let things progress naturally.”  It’s becoming embarrassingly obvious, I did just about EVERYTHING wrong!

I’m not even sure he got to know me that well because I was always uncertain which version of “us” would show up.   One night it would feel like absolute bliss, this indescribable connection… like being with your closest/oldest friend, only in this case your best friend was extremely hot.  And your best friend fit against you perfectly, inducing the release of a cocktail of hormones that acted as a drug specially formulated for you to achieve enlightenment.  Though, because it happened naturally… you were left powerless over your addiction.  And then without warning, he’d go AWOL for days.  I’d be forced to quit cold turkey, only to find that when he did return I was doomed to repeat the vicious cycle.

I admit that romance has not exactly been my strong suit but make no mistake, this is not my first rodeo.  So in an effort to learn SOMETHING from each relationship that will better the odds of my future happiness coming sooner rather than later, I thought I should consult experts, Em & Lo, for a crash course in the language of love (i.e. red flags, harsh realities, hidden meanings.)  For the record (and hopefully personal growth), I admit that I seem to have conveniently forgotten some of the basics since my last performance in the dating arena.

AWOL: When someone you’re dating disappears into thin air – poof!- without so much as an explanation, even a short and lame email or text message.

Band-Aid Break: A quick and painful breakup- but less painful than if the breakup occurs over a prolonged period of time (aka, beating a dead horse.)

Big Fat Lies: Obvious untruths lazily uttered by often well-meaning dumpers during many a breakup.

Example: “My friends are really important to me, and that’s where I want to spend my time right now.”  Translation: “My friends are out getting drunk and laid every night, and I’d like to be doing the same thing.”

Booty Bait ‘n’ Switch: The act of converting a broken-up relationship into a booty call.  Note: be hypervigilant about using condoms (it underscores the fact that it’s casual sex); and keep the meaningful eye contact and lovey-dovey cuddling to a minimum.

“Taking a Break”: Putting your relationship “temporarily” on hold in order to take a step back and get some perspective.  You’re not sure you’re ready to give up on it altogether, but you’re not sure you can make a bigger commitment…and you’d like to see what else is out there before you decide.

Breakover: A post-breakup makeover.

Buyer’s Remorse: Classic example of wanting what you can’t have and not wanting what you DO have.  The grass looks greener on the other side, so you jump the fence, only to realize it was all an optical illusion.

Cliches: Things the dumper can use that have been uttered so many times in so many breakups that they now convey no emotion and further, indicate the presence of an unoriginal douche-bag.

Examples:

Dumper: “It’s not you, it’s me.”  Translation: “You want to be in this relationship and I don’t.”

Dumper: “I’m not ready for a relationship right now.”  Translation: “I’m not ready for a relationship with you.”

Dumper: “You want more than I’m prepared to give.”  Translation: “You want more than I’m prepared to give you.”

…Basically, it’s like being dumped by a Hallmark Card.

Command-Z: “Undo! Undo!” All the stuff that you say in the heat of the breakup moment and immediately wish you could take back.

Cutting The Cord: Forced amnesia as an essential tool in getting over a recent breakup.  This is not the time to concern yourself with being friends and making nice with “Fuckface”.

Deal-breaker: Known as a standard that is neither watertight nor beerproof.

Desperate Measures: The crazy shit you do to win an ex back.

Drunk Dialies: The late night, under-the-influence, undeniable urge to call a recent ex and slur into the phone, “What are you doin?“  The drunken dialies are a rite of passage of breakups.

Emotional Imodium: What I need to take the next time I start seeing someone so my hopes, my hormones, or the booze don’t give me diarrhea of the mouth when it comes to whimsical, romantic feelings.

Eternal Return: A seemingly endless cycle of breaking up and getting back together experienced by a couple who can’t live with each other, but can’t live without each other either.

Ex Appeal: The sex appeal of exes.  Once you break up, your ex suddenly becomes taboo, unattainable, out of reach – all qualities which are incredibly sexually attractive.

Fucksimile: A person you sleep with solely because they remind you of your ex, because you miss them like crazy and think that if you dim the lights, the spooning just might feel the same.

Google: The tool that turns every scorned lover into a private dick.

Groundhog Dump: When a noncommittal “dumper” drags a breakup out over the course of multiple days or weeks so the “dumpee” is forced to relive the same damn breakup all over again.

Masturbation: Loving yourself when no one else will.

Match Point: The precise moment in the breakup when you say something that can never be taken back and that guarantees that there will be no reconciliation, and probably no ex sex.

Mourning Period: The time it takes for you to get over the fact that you will probably never go to Sunday brunch, play scrabble, or have oral sex with a particular person again.

Mutual Decision: The unicorn of the breakup world: a pretty little idea that doesn’t actually exist in the real world.

Numbing the pain: Somewhat flawed idea that if you cause yourself pain from chain-smoking, sleeping around, getting sloppy drunk or high, and eating a lot of refined sugar, you might be distracted from the pain of the meat cleaver sticking out of your chest.

Passive Aggressive Breakup: When you’re too much of a coward to actually dump someone, so instead you act like a complete dick until your partner is forced, as a matter of pride, to dump you.

Returner’s Remorse: The regret felt after dumping someone.  Once your ex is back on the shelf, they suddenly don’t seem so bad anymore.  The newer models are all bells and whistles, no real substance.  Aka: Realizing the grass isn’t greener.

Reverse Dump: The breakup equivalent to, “You can’t fire me because I quit!”

“Someone Else”: Sadly, one of the most common reasons for breakups.

White lie: The little fictions that make breakups bearable.

Example: “I’m not ready for a relationship right now” generally means “I’m not EVER going to be ready for a relationship with you.”

And yes… I’ve made a mental note to pay particular attention to the last two terms.

Obviously, I’m airing my dirty laundry in hopes that I can help fellow Belles open their eyes and see what happens when you choose NOT to pay attention to a relationship’s realities.  I think I’ve certainly reacquainted myself with the tools I need to be wiser next time.  I really hope so… I do know one thing; next time around I’ll be willing to be clear about what I want, even if it means I have to find it with someone else.

If you have any advice or tips to share to benefit your fellow Belles, (and yours truly), post a comment or email Belle@IndependentBelle.com

Prologue: (Cue circus music)

Ladies and Gentleman.  Welcome to Cirque de Belle, home of the biggest roller-coaster relationship in the WORLD!!!  Step right up and go for a whirl!

Currently starring: The Coach with Independent Belle

Act One: The Tragedy of Dating

OH the wasted hours of shaving legs… just in case he decides last minute to come over.  Cause let’s face it, it’s ALWAYS last minute. And it drives you crazy but you put up with it… you know, “one LAST time”. You tell yourself you’re a control freak.  Most of the time, however, you just find yourself bummed when he cancels last minute.  You tell yourself, “if only he would just confess his lack of interest so you could go through those two weeks of bingeing, drinking, and smoking your way through the heartbreak”… but you know he won’t.

Another new overpriced Venus razor refill goes wasted as you ask yourself, “Did I shave my legs for this?” Ahh, the tragedy in dating.

But that’s only half the story…

Act Two: The Comedy of Dating

The other half is a mirage of happy times, laughter, making dinner together, cuddling on the couch, watching movies, playing Scrabble, romantic gestures and terms of endearment.                                               Ahh, the comedy in dating.

This, Belles, is what we call a roller coaster romance.  It feels SOOO good and hurts so bad.  And it’s hard to tell which outweighs the other because you never know what comes next.  You’re in a constant state of uncertainty.  You LOVE the highs and you LOATHE the lows… and the fraction of you that isn’t love sick knows there is someone else out there waiting for you.  Someone dependable, stable, n-o-r-m-a-l… if only that someone were waiving their hands in the air so you’d notice them, you’d be able to leave this hot mess of chaos!

And yet, it’s as if Mr. Undecided, Emotionally Unavailable, and Not Ready For A Serious Relationship, can sense you pulling back.  Only then does he appear in the dark with a smile and that calming sense of security that puts you back up on top of the world…

To Be Continued….

“It’s a luscious mix of words and tricks, that let us bet when we know we should fold.”  -The Shins

However, if we’re being honest… not all the experience and knowledge we gain makes us stronger OR better the next time around.  Sometimes the price is more than we’d choose to pay for the ride, sometimes we end up making the next person pay the difference, and sometimes we end up paying the price for a fellow Belle’s wrongdoings.  I’m not sure baggage can be avoided entirely because while our experiences don’t make us who we are, they do shape the way we view the world around us.

Quite frankly, I feel like things have become a little out of focus for me since I started dating again and I’m trying to make sense of it.  Is there a certain amount of time before you should know whether someone is worth taking the proverbial leap with?  Is there a particular point in a courtship when you can allow yourself to be vulnerable again with reasonably low risk?  Or have we not made any progress over the years of studying relationships?  Because while I do want someone in my life, I’m not ready to experience another heartbreak (I know, I know, is anyone ever READY for heartbreak?)   Heartbreak seems to rob me of a certain ability to trust and rely on someone else.  Heartbreak makes me lose perspective, the positive kind anyway.  I’ve finally reached a point in my life where everything is relatively stable and under control.  I’m not sure I’m ready to share that if it’s possible it won’t be appreciated, or worse, discarded the second things aren’t perfect.

When you think about failed relationships like that, we really aren’t gaining “baggage” but rather losing things along the way.  Maybe that is where “building walls” came from… I suppose we’re all just trying to fill in the holes of past relationships the best we can?  However, when we get to where we feel “complete” on our own… don’t we all just want to have someone in our life again?

Shortly after, R. Kelly released a song called “Down Low (Nobody Has To Know)”.  What can I say?  Where “Creep” left off, “Down Low” picked up and not only did the girls like it but guys everywhere were adopting the concept of carrying on relationships on the “Down Low”.  I suppose it added a little thrill to a rather boring dating life in High School.  That, combined with the fact that obviously no one was thinking about the fact that when the thrill of sneaking around wasn’t present, it typically left girls feeling awful and wondering why they agreed to such an absurd notion in the first place.  Why would there be a need to ignore someone in public and adore them in private?

Regardless, for years I watched my friends and I repeat these “Romeo and Juliet” forbidden romances as if we were part of a special club.  If you were “in” the club, you knew who all the secret couples were.  And when there was a “secret” breakup, you had any number of girlfriends there who knew how awful the heartbreak was.  And when I look back, it makes sense to be upset that someone would decide that they didn’t like you enough to even carry on a relationship that was kept secret from 98% of your social circle.

The grown up version of this scenario might be what is commonly referred to as “friends with benefits”.  It’s as if everyone didn’t learn enough from the heartache suffered during adolesense, so we go back for a second round as if it were more acceptable now that we’re old enough to drink alcohol and take out home mortgages.  We’re busy, frustrated with an onslaught of first dates that don’t lead to seconds, working long hours, but more than anything… tired of feeling lonely.  This is especially difficult when it seems like most of your social circle has settled down (you know, in normal, healthy relationships…).  I’ll be the first to admit, I’ve been guilty of rationalizing such a situation.

The problem is, we’re missing an important fact.  All the time we spend in these quasi-romances, we’re not making ourselves available for a real and fulfilling relationship with someone who doesn’t see the need (or have the desire) to stay holed up on the couch watching movies and taking turns staying the night, rather than taking you out on the town for a proper date.  Because trust me, YOU deserve a proper date!  I know this because once I realized that it was 10% pleasure and 90% pathetic, it seemed ridiculous to have ever thought it was worth the trade off.

All this being said, I recently listened to a friend as she struggled with whether to accept the reality of carrying on a relationship with someone on the “down low” or break it off.  It seemed pretty obvious to me that there was only one person who benefitted from the current title of “friends with benefits”.  As it stood, the guy could play the field any time he chose and be completely void of any responsibility for hurting her feelings because they were “just friends”.  I expressed that no matter how many different times I’d seen this situation, it never ended good.  Someone always got hurt whether it was intentional or not.  It was at that moment that I started to question the status of my current romance.  It seemed juvenile to focus on labeling it, and yet… it’s times when there isn’t open communication that someone gets hurt.  Am I setting myself up for heartache?

While thinking about the predicament, I couldn’t help but think back to those high school years when the highs and lows of having a secret romance seemed so novelty.  The thing is, songs like “Creep” were just that, songs.  In reality, Left Eye ended up burning her boyfriend’s house down!  Even worse, I recall the king of “Down Low”, R. Kelly, got busted for sleeping with a 15 year old girl.  Not only that but there was a video tape released, that showed, of all things, him peeing on her!  Seriously?  Do we really want our relationships to reflect the message of someone who leaks (no pun intended) their “golden showers” to the media?

I realize every situation is different and I actually do believe on some level that two adults can have a purely physical relationship if there are clear boundaries established up front… but how often does that happen?  Ultimately, I think we all want something more.

What are your thoughts on “friends with benefits”?  Has anyone ever had a successful experience?  Comment below or send your emails to Belle@IndependentBelle.com.

I am eternally grateful for the fact that my mother felt it necessary to document every other week of my first few years of life, for a multitude of reasons.  One of my favorites is a picture of me, just a couple months old, in one of my sister’s hand-me-down onesies with a big smile on my face.  The caption below reads, “I’m so happy, I’m bustin’ my buttons” …and I am literally busting out of that little outfit.  Now, little did I know at that sweet little age that I was in for a life full of similar predicaments.

I’ve grown up most of my life with 3 different sizes of clothes in my closet while my sister seemed to wear the same size 0 from age 16 to 30.  And diets?  I’d actually forgotten when I started dieting until an old schoolmate asked me, “Remember when you used to drink that cabbage soup back in 6th grade?”  Yup, that means I would have been 11 years old.  By the time I was 16, I was on prescription weight loss medication, and at 19 I was in treatment for bulimia.  Looking back on my struggles, at no time was I ever bigger than a size 10.  But at 5’2″, it doesn’t take much extra to make you feel different from the rest of the crowd.  This was, of course, before I learned the advantages to being different.

My relationship with weight and food started to improve after I’d been in Chicago for about a year.  I was reading a lot about women’s health and learning about nutrition.  I became great friends with Tracey, a naturopathic physician… who slowly weened me off my habit of 6 diet cokes a day.  Eventually weeks went by when I didn’t think about my weight hardly at all.  After 25 years of spending every day consumed with negative thoughts about weight and associating them with my value as a person, this was truly one of my greatest accomplishments.

You’d think I finally had a healthy lifestyle and lost some weight, right?  Maybe I did… but I still had my typical yoyo pattern.  (Chicago winters are fabulous for adding a few extra pounds.)  For the most part, I had my sizes 10, 8, and the revered size 6 that I only squeezed into 4 days after “that time of the month” was over.  In all honesty it was probably mis-marked  but who gives a shit because it said SIZE 6 and I loved seeing the number in my closet as I walked by each month, anticipating spending another night together on the town… discussing which heels would be so lucky to get to go out with us (my SIZE 6 and I) on our big, err…I mean skinny, night.

A few more years have gone by since then and I’ve even seen days of Size 4′s (bless them, there were few, but they were good) yet, as I face 30 I realize that much like my sister has remained her same size (be it a nonexistent one) I, too, am still filling my closet with the same three sizes.  What has occurred to me is that a Belle has never put nearly the emphasis on fitness as she has on nutrition.  And I’ve quickly found out, I’m not nearly as flexible as I was in high school as a cheerleader.  (Blink)

It all began with a “Groupon“, which in Chicago is a daily email that means “group + coupon = groupon” each day sponsored by some different company in the city.  This particular day it was to a yoga studio.  I thought, “That sounds fun.  I like yoga.  Hell, I’ve got several DVD’s.  I love watching Shiva Rea’s yoga videos… she is SO good!”  All of a sudden, several facts materialized.  1. I had 3 yoga DVD’s by Shiva Rea, all over a year old.  2. I had a brand new yoga mat.  3. I had cute yoga outfits, be it a little snug.  4. I had studied the origin of yoga, the practice and use in relation to meditation, read books on different types of yoga and health benefits.  I even consider myself a practicing buddhist and practice meditation regularly.  However, I had NO formal yoga training. None, nada, zilch, zip.  … and with that, I clicked “BUY NOW”.

Essentially it took me about a month to talk myself into actually going.  You know, a Belle has to get prepared.  And me, well… when it comes to the unknown I have to cross all the unknown t’s and dot all the unknown i’s.  I arrived at the studio and was surprised to find that it wasn’t filled with my old cheerleading friends.  In fact, it looked more like the people I’d seen strolling through the grocery store.  I quickly noticed there were Belles (and Beaus) of all different sizes too, which I loved.

The next thing I knew, class had begun.  We started with child’s pose and focused on our breathing.  I was sweatin’ already, and all we’d done was something called “child’s pose” and learn to “breath”.  I found this to be mildly entertaining, but managed not to giggle.

….15 minutes in and I was sweatin’ like a hog in summertime, desperately trying to figure out how I was gonna get my fat ass out of there without disrupting the whole damn class with my heavy (un)ujjayi-like breathing.  I had no idea I was so out of shape!  I’m proud to say, I made it through the whole class, but I had to get down in child’s pose and catch my breath about 3 times and I still think it was divine intervention going on in there for me that night.

As class came to an end, we were instructed to lie back on our mats, “take up space”, and “release something stressful from our day”. (After looking around the room, I learned this meant to lie down and reach your arms over your head as if you were signaling a touchdown.)  I immediately decided this was my favorite yoga pose and regardless of what it was called, I was going to rename it the “Score”.  After that everyone put their hands next to their sides and closed their eyes and we were asked to take a few breaths.  I certainly had no problem doing this, as I was still trying to catch mine.  The next thing I knew I felt (what I assumed was) the instructor’s hands press my shoulders down gently towards the ground and slowly apply pressure to my neck, pressing toward the ceiling very slowly.  She then made two small circles applying pressure at my temples and finished by pressing down on my forehead…

I thought I was going to cry.  I wasn’t sure which “stressor” she had just released from my day… but I wanted to know if she could do that if I came to her class every day.  I couldn’t move.  I didn’t know if this was because of exhaustion or if she had sprinkled some kind of magic yoga dust on me that made me a believer in whatever this “hot mess of movement” I had just signed up for was.  The class finally returned to our “normal” breath and wiggled our toes…(check, I wasn’t paralyzed)… and sat up to finish in what the instructor called “heart’s center”.  This is essentially indian style with your hands together in prayer in front of you.  In unison the class said, “Namaste”.

I can’t quite describe how I felt after my first yoga class.  It was like I had just taken a really good nap and at the same time I was exhausted.  For the first time in months, maybe years, I didn’t have hundreds of different thoughts running through my head at once (and I’m not sure I ever knew what that really meant until they stopped.)  I came home and felt refreshed.  I wasn’t sure if I could make it through another class, but I’m so glad I went back.  What has followed is several weeks of being truly grateful for the small accomplishments I’ve made on the mat and for the first time in my life finding something that, dare I say… I ENJOY doing for exercise.  I can’t believe I’m saying it, but I do.  And don’t get me wrong, there’s times in class where I feel like I’ve gone postal, but I’m always glad I went and I’m always ready to go back.

…and I promise they don’t serve you any “koolaid”.  So I say, with summertime coming up, give it a shot.  Give anything a shot.  Let’s sweat our “Belles” off.  I’ll keep you posted on my journey and let me know about yours!

NAMASTE

I read recently that “the easiest way to lose something is to want it too badly.”  I don’t know what I think about this as it relates to life in general, but as for romantic encounters… you know damn well it’s the truth.

Come to think of it; I’m not sure I’ve matured much beyond my college years when it comes to having successful relationships.  All too often, I find myself filling in the blanks for shortcomings or defending laziness… whether it be to friends or myself.  I’m even mildly disappointed when I catch some Knockoff in a lie. Can I not even date a guy with the slightest bit of savviness when it comes to acting like a total wanker???  I mean, it’s not like I’m Inspector Gadget… is it possible they WANT to look incompetent?  Or maybe it’s all just some masochistic game I tease myself with for entertainment during the cold months in Chicago.  …my own little version of, “how low can you go?”  Whatever the case, my dating dilemmas have grown to such gargantuan proportions that I dread making sense of it more than I dread taking out Great Garbage Bag Mountain that appears in my kitchen every week.

After listening to me complain about juggling my current circus of Knockoffs, my friend Lauren told me about something our friend Jordan started called “Guybriety”.  That’s right Belles, doesn’t the sound of it get you a little motivated to quit taking that asshole back after he doesn’t call you for a week?  Or to cut off the jerk who cancels last minute the night he’s supposed to meet your friends?  Or what about that guy who always has too much to drink?  The one you don’t hear from until he shows up at your door at 3 am soaked from walking in the rain (after leaving the bar, of course) and doesn’t understand why you don’t think it’s “romantic”?  Where did we meet these deuschlords and what was SO attractive about them that we missed all the red flags?

Belles, if any of these men are in your “pink book”… you definitely want to hop on the Guybriety wagon with me.  Here’s how “Guybriety” was started:

A few years back, Jordan found everything in her life falling into place, with one exception.  She had a fantastic job, a great family, fun friends, and about 3 mediocre (at best) Knockoffs that cumulatively filled her date book.  We’ll refer to them as The Drunk Tank, The Travelin’ Bachelor, and The Dead Horse.  Obviously, things in the love department were NOT working for her… so she decided to come up with a plan, which she called Guybriety.  Within days of removing herself from the smoke and mirrors of her resident losers, she was able to recognize a good guy when she met him.  And she did, by the way…

Fast forward a few months and Jordan is talking to our friend Lauren.  Lauren has been seeing this seemingly “great” guy who knows all the right things to say and all the charming moves to make.  You know who I’m talking about, we’ve all dated this guy before.  Anyhow, so Loverboy starts getting a little too good at his game, even sounding a bit rehearsed, and sure enough Lauren stumbles upon the surprising fact that she isn’t the only one hearing his sweet nothings.  As it turns out, he’s been dropping the EXACT SAME LINES to someone else!  What is that?  He was using the other girl for rehearsing the lines and Lauren got the real performance?  How could a guy even explain himself out of that situation?  Needless to say, Jordan immediately told Lauren about “Guybriety”.

Fast forward to present day, Lauren and Jordan are both happily married to really great guys… and highly suggesting I give Guybriety a shot too.

I was a little skeptical at first, I admit.  I haven’t exactly been flooded with “lovas” lately so it seemed a bit brash to cut the entire pool off!  But then I stepped back and took a look at my most recent shenanigans in the romance department…

I recently managed to glorify an old fling (i.e. also known as a Dead Horse) into a potential dating candidate, only to find out he acted like a complete moron in public, had easily slept with enough women to start a new feminist movement, and worst of all… slightly gave me the creeps when I finally saw him in person.  As a matter of fact, I’ll further throw myself under the bus by saying he looked SO much better in photographs that I started to crush on the photographer who took the pictures.  SERIOUSLY, boy crazy much? I’m all for hopeless romantics but when it comes down to basing a romance purely off someone’s work, well… a Belle has to draw the line somewhere.

The fact was, the buck needed to stop about $100 bucks and a pair of Stuart Weitzman’s ago.  So I’ve made a decision to give Guybriety a shot.  I feel the need to mention that both Lauren AND Jordan met their husbands during their Guybriety period, soooo… I’m not saying that Mr. Wonderful HAS to come around in the next couple of weeks, but it would be great timing if he did.  You know… just so we can keep the results consistent.

So for those of you interested in getting “Gober” with “Guybriety” here are the rules Jordan passed on to me:

GUYBRIETY

“Guybriety…the absence of men from your life for a limited amount of time.

How long must it last?

The minimum a stint of guybriety should last is 15 days.  After all, this is a life change and a change of view for yourself, it took 20 something years to get you here, it better take a few days to change!

The maximum a guybriety should last is 30 days. Any longer and you are likely to lose sight of why you started this in the first place. You need to remember why you are great and deserve to be treated that way.

How much “absence” does “absence” really mean?

Absence (definition): nonattendance, nonappearance, truancy, leave.

Do not: call, text, meet for drinks, dinner, dancing, flirt with or entertain the idea of men. Put them on the back burner. (Important: do NOT tell your guy friends about Guybriety.  They will make fun of you.)

It’s as simple as this: be busy. It’s the old “I have to wash my hair” trick…and it works.

What Guybriety will not do…

It will not bring you Mr. Perfect.

What Guybriety will do…

Guybriety will weed out the men you think are important but who do not think that you are important.

The only thing Guybriety does is make not dating your decision. I don’t know why, but there is power in that.  ”Phew…no one called today, good, because I am not dating right now anyway.”

If you make it your decision, it completely changes the view. Take the time to figure out what is important to you. You can’t be interesting to someone else if you have spent all your time looking into another person’s interests.

What if a guy I have been out with a few times texts, IMs, facebooks, twitters, etc. me in the middle of Guybriety?

You do not respond. If you have only been out with him a few times and he messages you to meet for drinks, odds are he sent it to more than one person. He doesn’t care if you come because there is someone next on the list that will. Most likely, you were not the first person he asked anyway or he would have called.

He will ask you again in a few days. If you do not respond again, you will not hear from him again. End of story. One less person for you to worry about.

What if a nice guy calls me while I am doing Guybriety?

Easy, talk to him for a minute and let him know you are really busy right now (even if it is painting your toenails and watching an old movie). Tell him you will get back with him the next week and do. Fifteen days is not a lifetime. If you make plans with someone a few weeks in advance and he truly is interested and likes you, he will stick to your plans and won’t mind that you can’t meet him tomorrow and you will go into a date with more respect for this person for doing so.

Right now the score is:

Guybriety = 2            Knockoffs = 0

For those of you participating… be sure and send your results to Belle@IndependentBelle.com!  Oh, and spread the word to your fellow Belles!

It’s unusually nice outside tonight, which I’m going to interpret as Chicago’s way of welcoming me back to the Windy City after my visit South.  This also happens to be the first night I’ve sat out on my balcony since I moved in to my new place.  It’s just as peaceful out here as I hoped it would be.  Of course, I felt this same sense of calm while back South, which is what has me wondering if a Belle would like living in the South after a few years in the city.  And no, there’s no whirlwind romance to report of, although as it turns out I still have a bit of a weakness for the Southern charm.  Which is exactly why I returned to my urban surroundings so I could snap back to my senses.  Unfortunately, it hasn’t quite happened yet.

I don’t understand how I can feel at home in two places that are so different.  For starters, I’ve always been bugged by the fact that I can’t go anywhere in the South without running into someone I know.  Yet, after a couple of days at my neighborhood pub, Maxine’s… it was nice to walk in and have people know my name.  Note: If this were ever to happen in Chicago, I would check myself into rehab immediately.

And while it’s safe to say my hometown offers a drastically smaller dating pool to choose from, I suppose it does make the good ones easier to pick out.  That being said, I am currently working towards “Guybriety”, which I’ll tell you about once I’m through experiencing withdrawals.  Obviously, I’m not there yet.

Where I have found myself is sitting out here on my balcony making a Pro/Con column for each place that I have referred to as home.  This, Belles, is an acceptable activity when deciding between vacation destinations, careers, or major purchases.  However, if you find yourself creating one about your relationship, I can assure you that he’s not the one.  So anyhow, here goes:

I don’t know, I suppose there are pros and cons to any place you decide to live.  Ultimately, it seems like I can get into a little more mischief in the city… a few more wild nights, a few more good looking men, better food, and of course… shoe shopping with Henry in a shirt and tie without getting weird looks.  Hmm, I suppose the last point is a big one….

Regardless, with Winter coming to an end, I’m in no hurry to make any final decisions now.  I have plenty of Prosecco filled evenings on the balcony to ponder what possibilities my future holds.  In the meantime, I’m going to finish my glass of Jordan cab, get caught up on some tivo-ed episodes of Intervention and try to get at least 6 hours sleep.  Okay maybe 5.