1. Sole Mates: With Summertime right around the corner, I hate having to put up with my high heeled sandals sinking in grass when I go to the park.  Or the WORST is getting your heel stuck in one of those grates on the sidewalk.  Soles Mates solve the sticky stiletto problem.  I always have a pair with me.  They cover the heel of your shoe, slightly increasing the size so you won’t get stuck anywhere when walking outside.  Another great thing about them is that they protect your heels so they don’t get beat up when you wear them out on the town.  Soles Mates come in a variety of colors but I personally love the clear ones because you can use them on anything and no one will notice anything aside from the fact that you navigate rough terrain with ease and grace.  I’ve given these to several of my friends and they all love them too.  Check them out at www.TheSoleMates.com

2. Shadow Shields: If you’ve ever wanted to wear a bold color on your eyes and gave up because you couldn’t apply it without some of it ending up under your eye…these are the miracle you’ve been looking for.  Whether it’s using a bold color or just for assistance creating different dramatic looks with your eye makeup, these have so many uses.  Not only do they protect below your eye from getting dusted with color (you know, which you try to carefully sweep away only to make it worse… resulting in having to redo your concealer), but they also work as a great guide for creating smokey liner that is picture perfect.  For every day use, I like to set mine below my eye, allowing them to curve up at the end so my eyeliner creates a clean cat-eye look.  The Shadow Shield is practically weightless and adheres to your skin lightly so there is no pulling or damage done to the sensitive skin below your eyes.  Additionally, you have complete control how you apply them so you can just adhere them at the corners or remove the entire back to have the shield cover a larger area for more dramatic and time consuming applications.  You can buy Shadow Shields at various mass retailers or by going to www.ShadowShields.com.  LOVE THEM!

3. Hollywood Fashion Tape: This is a lifesaver in a container that is the size of a tube of lipgloss.  I have used this stuff for so many different things, I don’t know where to begin.  If you always have to get your pants hemmed or you go to put on an outfit only to realize that the hem needs to be repaired… placing a strip of fashion tape will secure the hem so you can wear the outfit as planned and have it repaired when you find the time.  I use it to reinforce shirts in the places my boobs tend to cause blouses to gap, or to make sure a potentially TOO revealing top stays in place… it’s the perfect solution.  And while I realize this is controversial, if I’m at the club and notice a girl is wearing one of those super skimpy shirts and begins revealing more skin with every move she makes (aka pulling a Janet Jackson), I always offer a fellow belle a strip to solve her problem for the night. This has been met with gratitude 100% of the time.  Besides, I like to think that we’re all looking out for our fellow Belles whether it’s in the workplace or on the dance floor.  You can buy Hollywood Fashion Tape at boutique retailers or online at www.HollywoodFashionSecrets.com

4. Red Cherry Eyelashes:  Anyone who knows me, knows that I la-la-love glamming up my baby blues every chance I get.  I wear false lashes everyday, however, even if you are just using them for a special occasion for or a night out on the town, Red Cherry has great false lashes that are affordable and easy to use.  They have a ton of different styles to choose from so you can achieve any look you want. My favorites are #107, #505, #DM, and #82.  I use lash glue by DUO, because I think it is by far the best out there.  You can buy it online or at Sephora.  One tube will last you forever and it won’t irritate your eyes.  If you are new to applying false lashes, I recommend putting your eyeliner on first, applying the glue using a q-tip and just put enough glue on the edge of the lashes so that it looks like there is an even amount distributed across the entire lash.  If you are worried about lining up the lash correctly, try placing it a couple times before you apply glue to the lash.  Make any adjustments to the length using scissors, and finally, if you are still nervous about application, you can cut the lash in half and apply it one half at a time.  Also, I always apply the glue to the lash and blow on it for a few seconds to let it dry just enough so it will be a little gooey when I first place it.  With regards to where you place the lashes to make them look most natural, place them right at your lash line where your natural lashes begin.  If you are using Duo lash glue, you will have no problem removing the lashes at the end of the night with your fingers and then removing the remaining glue with your eye makeup remover without causing any damage to your natural lashes.  You can buy Red Cherry Lashes at www.madamemadeline.com or if you want to buy in bulk, you can also order them on Amazon and eBay.  I found this fantastic YouTube Video that demonstrates applying lashes step-by-step, so check it out before you try it yourself!

If you have favorites to share, comment below or email me at Belle@IndependentBelle.com.

Next time I’ll share some of my favorite makeup tricks for taking great pictures!  Until then…

If you are a secure, confident Belle and you sense that someone is cheating on you… there is probably a reason you feel that way. Maybe it’s because he has a wandering eye and you feel like given the opportunity he would stray.  Maybe he makes a big deal about defining what you have as a committed, monogamous relationship. Maybe you haven’t seen that cheesy pair of boxers he always wears that say “Sugar Daddy”.  Or maybe you can’t exactly put your finger on one thing specifically.  Betrayal is a feeling that you get in your gut…much of the time, before the truth ever comes to the surface.

But before I go on, ask yourself: 1. Do you want to be with a guy whose eyes aren’t glued to YOU when you are in their presence? Guys are always going to look (Belles are just as guilty) but anyone with common decency doesn’t do this in the company of their significant other. 2. If you’re seeing someone regularly for a period of time and they aren’t comfortable taking the next step, how long are you going to let yourself sit around and wait if you ARE ready to move forward? I hope it’s not a minute longer than you’ve already waited. And finally. 3.  If you are dating someone who enters your relationship already owning a pair of boxers that say “Sugar Daddy”, well…. cheeky boxers from previous relationships are a no no… and he should know better.

I know as Belles we’re familiar with the fact that we should NOT get mad at “the other woman”.  But here are a couple things I think we also need to realize.  There is NO need to contact “the other woman”.  She’s not your friend, and she probably won’t pay attention to your WARNING about what an asshole the guy is.  But most importantly, contacting her will not change the fact that the guy who had the audacity to betray your trust and hurt you, is NOT someone you want to be with anyway.

I know it’s hard when emotions are high, but I think we often lose sight of the person who really matters in this situation… ourself. We get caught up in being an investigator rather than thinking about if we even WANT to be with someone makes us feel like a snoop.  We get focused on seeking revenge and in turn put ourselves through more pain.  We ask ourselves what’s wrong with us rather than being honest about what is obviously someone else’s flaw.

So the next time you find yourself looking at his detailed billing for mysterious phone numbers at 3:00am on a Friday night, stop yourself!  This isn’t what you envisioned for yourself when you thought about being in love.  This isn’t the warm fuzzy feeling you dreamed of.  Instead of picking up the phone to track his cheating ass down, pick up your purse and a change of clothes and get the hell out of there.  You deserve better.  And yes, the other woman probably does too… but she’s not going to learn that lesson from you, and it’s not your responsibility to teach her.  Look out for the one who matters most, YOURSELF, and let everyone else do the same.

On this day, it happened to be the same bar that Iris, Isabel, and I walked into.  After a solid week of being sick with the flu, I was finally ready to face that big ball of fire in the sky that had been blinding me through the crack in my drapes each time I peeked out from behind my sleeping mask.  I had heard that the weather had taken a huge turn toward spring so I called my girlfriends and we decided to do something “low-key”.

Sweatpants and tshirt clad – thanks to the handsome stranger that Iris met at Sundance, she has finally given in to what I have been advising her of for months; tshirts are a great item of clothing in which to spend a Saturday – we decided to walk over to a neighborhood restaurant/bar to grab a bite to eat while we planned out what would hopefully be a much more fabulous evening.  Due to the unseasonably warm streak for March in Chicago, every single inhabitant in the city seemed to be out… which meant waiting 30-40 minutes to get a table. Therefore, with drinks in hand we decided to make our peace with the bar and within minutes had made new friends with Luca, Arthur, and Fred (Italy, Hungary, France respectively).  They were consultants in town for business for a few days and a friend recommended that they eat at the hidden gem in Lincoln Park.  It was 3:30 pm on Saturday.

I realize to some it might sound strange to make friends so quickly with three men from foreign countries… but in my world, this is an average weekend.  That’s the great thing about having a sparkling personality in a big city; you often attract fun people and well, bumps on logs that are looking to suck the fun out of you wherever you go. Once we got over the initial language barriers, we decided to have dinner together. What followed was 12 hours of dedicated training to prep my liver for St. Patrick’s Day festivities this next weekend.

After dinner, we had a few bottles of Prosecco on my rooftop and made plans to meet up again in a couple hours once the gentleman had showered and we had ditched the sweatpants for stilettos.  We all met up at The Wit a few hours later and headed out to paint the town with international colors.  The Wit has an amazing rooftop bar, but it happened to be booked for a private event so we went to Tavern On Rush where we laughingly schooled the boys on the games of the Viagra Triangle, an environment we had become far too familiar with lately due to our unceasing love for the Strawberry Blonde martinis. Over the next couple of hours, I had just the right number of martinis to make a nightclub sound like a good idea.  The next thing I knew we were dancing at Underground until…well, the sun wasn’t quite up but it wasn’t completely hidden from the horizon either.

I’d fill you in on the shenanigans that went down at that hole but they would all be hearsay, as I have only flashes of memory from the 5 or 6 hours we spent no doubt gyrating on the dance floor.

I do, however, remember seeing one of my friends licking the face of one of the traveling consultants right in the middle of the dance floor. Then and there I should have packed it in, said goodnight, grabbed my ladies by the hands and hit the road… but thoroughly “Strawberry Blonded Laura” just stumbled over to the bar and struck up a conversation with the dreamy bartender.  I felt completely triumphant when the evening ended with the customary exchanging of numbers between myself and the model bartender- clad in hipster glasses, which by the way, I have recently added to my list of “yes please”es.  It wasn’t until he called me the next day to discuss “blogging” that I realized that I had wooed him with my knowledge of the cyber universe as opposed to my other “assets”.  Damn those martinis and that table that I may or may not have tripped over!

I have to admit, I was impressed that I made it to “recap brunch” the next morning.  Iris, on the other hand, pulled off a much more impressive feat and made it to work at 7am (which yes, gave her time for 30 minutes of rest, 30 minutes of prep, and 30 minutes of travel). I haven’t done anything THAT ambitious since college! …actually let’s be honest here, in college I would have pulled the covers back up over my head and resigned to “borrow” notes from that shy guy that was always starring at me from two rows over.

Another exciting weekend in Chicago has passed, and with already half of the work week gone… I’m more than ready to get into a little St. Patty’s Day mischief!

See for ladies, “Mr. Ugly” can translate into Mr. Loud and Obnoxious, Mr. Bigot, Mr. Casanova, Mr. Mooch, or any other number of characters you run across on your average night out.  It can be a real minefield for single Belles, if you want to know the truth. And for those of us who have suffered the repercussions of making bad decisions, we’ll go to great lengths to save another sister from having to do the same.

Which leads me to a recent night out with two of my closest Chicago Belles.  My friend Gina and I met at a neighborhood bar for a couple drinks.  Shortly after, our friend Iris came out to meet us with this handsome guy she met at the Sundance Music Festival a couple weeks before.  As usual, one drink led to another and before we knew it we were having a better time than everyone else in the bar.  It was, ehh, maybe 9:00pm.

Before long, I wandered off looking for new friends to join in on our fun, and it just so happened that several good looking guys walked in and settled at the table in front of us.  We made introductions and small talk, and minutes later we met their other friend…John Giovanni.  John Giovanni was attractive, well built, nicely dressed, and seemed like a good guy.  Except for, well, his name.  He introduced himself to Iris and said, “Hi, I’m John.  My real name is Giovanni, but I go by John.”                 WHAT?!?!                I could see Iris trying to rationalize what he said or determine if there was, in fact, a way to shorten Giovanni into simply John… but it just didn’t work.  So from then on, we addressed him as John Giovanni, a name I seriously doubt we’ll forget anytime soon.

Now, John Giovanni had a pretty suave way about him.  It was no secret he had a thing for Gina.  Maybe it was the way he stood uncomfortably close to her breathing down her neck and whispering what I can only imagine were awkward “sweet nothings” in her ear, or maybe it was how he’d look at Iris and I with an assuring tone and say, “I got this.”  John Giovanni was confident in his abilities to seduce our friend, as only an American/Italian  (or maybe neither???) could.  Throughout the evening, John Giovanni continued to repeat that confident phrase at every opportunity he had.  If I was going to remember one thing from this intoxicated evening, it would be that John Giovanni, “got this.”  Of course, what John Giovanni didn’t get was that there was no way we were letting our girl go home with “My name is Giovanni but I go by John.”

See, not only do friends NOT let friends take home ugly men, but we also don’t let friends take home douchebags.  And the later it got, the more John Giovanni established himself as a huge douchebag. After last call, at say…3:00am, we started gathering our things to leave.  John Giovanni and his crew wanted to go to another bar but I knew the smart thing would be for us to head home.  Now, usually telling a group of guys you need to go home isn’t a struggle but John Giovanni was determined to keep Gina out for “just one more drink”. He looked once again and assured me, “I got this.”

Ugh… I was in no condition to deal with a clinger so to get him off our back I told him we would meet them at the next bar for one drink.  Simple enough, right?  Wrong.  John Giovanni was smart enough to see past my white lie and as his friends got in their cab, he stayed behind to take a cab with us.  My plan of escape was officially ruined…

As our cab driver headed down Lincoln Ave., my mind was racing trying to think of another way to get the hell away from this creep.  I turned to Gina, who had long lost her decision making skills, and tried to convince her that going to another bar would not be a good idea.  I told her that even if, (through foggy drunk goggle lenses), he seemed like an appealing option, she would thank me in the morning. Gina turned her head to respond, and John Giovanni just continued to lick her face and while moaning, “I got this.”  Ick!

We were pulling up to the bar and I had to think fast.  The cab came to a stop and I went to give the driver some cash.  The cabbie looked at me sympathetically, realizing the tragedy he was witnessing, and then I had a stroke of genius.  I looked back with a slightly stunned look on my face and said, “Aren’t you going to open our door for us?” John Giovanni was startled by my request but quickly pulled it together to prove himself a gentleman and exited his side of the cab. Simultaneously, I looked back at our driver and with gusto yelled, “MOVE IT!”  Before John Giovanni could get to the other side of the cab, he was left in our taillights… staring as we sped away.

I tipped our cabbie generously and Gina and I stumbled our way into my condo building and in the elevator to my floor.  As expected, when we woke up the next morning, Gina had no recollection of how our evening ended, which made me feel better about leaving John Giovanni in our taillights with that puppy dog look on his face.

But you know, that’s what friends are for.  We’re there to make the smart decisions for you when you won’t remember making the bad ones for yourself.  We’re thoughtful enough to remember to get the guy’s card so if by chance you really ARE in love with him when you wake up the next day, you can call him!   And if you’re REAL lucky, you have the kind of friends who will laugh even harder the morning after, rehashing another crazy night out over bloody mary’s and mimosas.  Now that, is what best friends are for…

Note:  If by chance you are smooth enough to sneak away from your friends and go home with aforementioned douchebag, please refer to my previous post: A Beautiful Stranger.  After all, shit happens.

Oh, I know… I shouldn’t be such a killjoy about Valentine’s Day just because I’m not in love.  This year Chicago just seemed to be going so overboard with celebrating the Hallmark holiday.  If I got one email about a romantic dinner for two, I got 20.  Last year I spent Valentine’s Day in San Diego working, which was a welcome distraction.  This year, however, I wasn’t able to blame my single status on my career, so I made sure to have something better planned than “dinner for two”.   My girlfriends and I had a date with the Nina Fresa Martini Tree at Sushi Samba.

Okay maybe two martini trees, but you get the point.  My friend Gail and I have started the tradition of celebrating our birthdays with this stiff strawberry sensation and it’s never let us down.  It was a fabulous evening with three of my favorite Belles ever.  And after the day I had lived through… well, it was just what I needed.

 So let me start from the beginning…

I woke up around 5:30 or 6:00 as usual, only when I opened my eyes on Valentine’s Day, it looked like my pillow was covered in rose pedals.  Could that be possible?  Did the man of my dreams find me in my sleep and decide to make all of my dreams come true?

Of course not, what I was actually seeing was the beginning of a horrendous nosebleed all over my 1050 thread count sheets.  I panicked and ran into my office to grab a box of kleenex, leaving a trail of artificial rose petals all the way through my place as Henry followed in confusion (and  horror.)  It was AWFUL.  And it wouldn’t stop!  After going through an entire box of kleenex while laying down on my hardwood floor so I wouldn’t ruin anything else in my place, I started having images of newspaper headings and Facebook status posts…Independent Belle dies alone in Chicago residence, found 2 weeks later.   I felt lightheaded so I went to grab my cell phone and quickly laid back down to keep my head back and avoid bleeding out on my floor and leaving Henry traumatized for his remaining years.  I was losing a lot of blood but I wasn’t real sure what to do… this wasn’t a usual occurrence for me.  I thought it would be pathetic to call 911 and report an emergency nosebleed, but then I started to think to myself, “by the time I DO lose enough blood for it to become an emergency, I’d pass out and it would be too late!”

Henry was sitting next to me shaking the way he does when he goes outside in the cold weather.  He was definitely going to need therapy after this if I didn’t do something… quick.  So without further thought, I grabbed Henry, another box of kleenex and headed out my door leaving the crime scene behind us.  I went down to my lobby and asked my doorman if I could hide behind the desk with him for a bit so I didn’t have to think about dying alone on Valentine’s Day anymore.

Now…if I haven’t ever mentioned how wonderfully caring and nonjudgemental my doormen are, let me do so now.  They are right up there on my list of favorite things next to long weekends and shoe shopping.

After a few minutes I had calmed down and my reenactment of the Valentine’s Day Massacre had come to an end.  Relief doesn’t even begin to explain what I felt.  I stood up, only to realize that in addition to looking like the victim of a violent crime, Henry had blood streaked highlights in his hair and my flannel valentine heart pajamas were ruined by remnants of my morning scare.

Henry and I returned to my place and I spent the rest of the day cleaning up the disaster from earlier.  Henry sat in the kitchen sink and soaked in puppy shampoo and conditioner as he watched me put my place back together.  Once his hair had returned to normal color, I dried him off and we took a nap before I left for my fun filled evening with the girls.

On the positive side, my stress filled morning and resulting blood loss made me a cheap drunk so I had plenty of money leftover to buy a new pair of sheets!  When I returned home at the end of Valentine’s Day, I checked my mail and found that my parents had sent Henry a Valentine gift, which REALLY helped make up for everything he went through that morning.  Needless to say, we both slept soundly that night and were thankful to wake up perfectly healthy the rest of the week.

Now it’s time to start looking forward to a much more exciting holiday celebration for a single belle in the city… St. Patrick’s Day!

Think back to sometime in high school when you started dating someone new and you shared the news with your friends to see what they thought about the person.  We were superficial then, we were quick to judge, we were insecure about ourselves enough to know that making someone else feel insecure was a temporary boost to how we felt.  As we grew up, our responses became more genuine. When we told our friends we were seeing someone new, they wanted to know what attracted us to them, how the first date went, how serious we saw it getting, etc.  The idea that a friend would respond by saying, “ewwwe, he’s a dork” just didn’t hold the same importance to our maturing egos.

Then we became adults and life got so much more complicated. Deciding what WE were looking for in someone else was hard enough, never mind caring who any of your friends chose to spend their time with.  We all just assumed that the person must be great to attract our friend’s attention.  More importantly, we trusted that our friend was intelligent enough to choose someone who improved their quality of life and made them happy.  No longer were the days of giving our opinion of someone we did not know personally, it didn’t make sense.

And yet, there are still those individuals in our lives who we feel will always be judging our choices. Those people exist in everyone’s life. Maybe without realizing it, we’ve encouraged their input, or even asked for it.  And maybe, as with some family members inevitably, we’re going to have to hear their opinion whether its requested or not.  Unless you were born into a culture that believes in arranged marriages, choosing who you fall in love with is one of the only major decisions in which we take on all the risk ourselves…

For instance, if you want to have the career you love, you need the employer to hire you.  If you want to buy the house you love, you need the bank to finance you.  But if you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, your decision isn’t dependent on an institution or professional advisor.  If things don’t work out, no one else has skin in the game.  You are the one who will live with your choice, so shouldn’t you be the one to make it?

I think for the most part, the vocal critics in my life have already come to grips with the fact that who I end up with will probably look nothing like who they would choose for me.  Maybe he’ll have tattoos (it’ll be okay dad), or their primary language will be Spanish…maybe they’ll be a completely different race, or maybe they’ll have strong religious beliefs that are different from my own.  I might fall in love with someone who already has kids, or someone who doesn’t want kids.  As a matter of fact, the person I end up with probably doesn’t look anything like who I imagine myself with!  What I do know is that when I choose to be with someone, it will be a choice that only I can make.  And I would want that person to be just as confident in their choice to be with me.  I would expect those who love us will accept and support our choice, knowing that we are intelligent and capable human beings.  Maybe I’m wrong.  But I suspect not, and because of that, I believe this to be true…

Those who matter, don’t mind. Those who mind, don’t matter.

Ours – Taylor Swift

Last weekend I was on a date with a particularly handsome man and he mentioned a list I hadn’t made recently… we’ll call it a “Love List”. He and a friend had written down a list of qualities/qualifiers they were looking for in a significant other. Instantly, I was a little intimidated by this list and it’s mysterious contents. It wasn’t too long before my insecurities started to creep up and the rest of the evening headed in the opposite direction…

Over the past couple of days though, I’ve been thinking that maybe having a “Love List” of my own wouldn’t be a bad idea. As much as it is desirable for me to have qualities someone else is looking for, it’s equally important that they have the qualities I’m looking for. Maybe it’s not enough to just identify the things we’re NOT looking for in someone…but instead we should focus on the things we ARE looking for. Of course, this means identifying what qualities I find most important. My guess is, we probably all did this in college at some point, but I can imagine my list has significantly changed in the past 10 years (no wonder I’ve been dating all the wrong guys!)

So, with that said, I’ve started creating my own list. Every time something petty comes to mind, I move it to the “Bonus” section. After all, everyone deserves a little extra credit…

L-O-V-E  L-I-S-T

1. Security. The most important quality I look for is someone I feel safe with. Safe to confide in, safe to trust, safe to face adversity with, safe to be myself around. Nothing puts me on cloud nine more than knowing someone has my back.
2. Loyal. No exceptions.
3. Considerate. Without a doubt, the little gestures of kindness mean the most to me. Even if everything isn’t always 50/50, I want to know that my opinion matters.
4. Dependable. I pride myself on being independent but there is something liberating about the thought of NOT having to do everything alone.
5. Confidence, confidence, confidence.  Friends have told me that I’ll have to date someone with a big personality, but really, I think I just need someone who is secure enough to accept MY big personality.
6. Communication.  Most importantly, someone who will fight fair. No one likes admitting that they’re wrong. And sometimes it’s just as difficult to accept an apology as it is to give one. Being able to talk about issues without making low blows makes disagreements a lot easier to resolve (and keeps me from acting like a crazy bitch).
7. Philanthropic. I want to be with someone who gives back to the community in some way, and someone who supports my community involvement as well.
8. Passion…for something. In addition to me, of course.
9. Personable. Don’t embarrass me in public.
10. Tolerant. If you have a problem with me celebrating at the Gay Pride Parade, or if you can’t handle me meeting my friend in Andersonville so she can pick up girls while I brag about our amazing heterosexual sex life…you’ll have to get over it. Diversity makes me a better person, and makes the world a more interesting place.
11. Responsible. I’m all for nursing someone to health when they’re sick and thinking of ways to help make each other’s life easier, but if you can’t maintain day-to-day life on your own, I refuse to manage it for you.
12. Excitable. No need to jump on the couch like Tom Cruise, but be able to get excited about a few things…sports, vacation, sex, classic cars, etc. Take your pick.

“Bonus Points”

1. Treat me like a lady, even when I forget to act like one.
2. Please be the bug killer, household fixer, and lawn mower. And please handle all tasks that come with step-by-step instructions in the form of shitty diagrams. We won’t get from A to B together, as fast as you can on your own.
3. Don’t judge me for dressing up my dog. It makes you laugh too.
4. If the crosswalk says “no”, don’t tell me “go”.
5. A good smile.
6. Toilet seat down please.
7. Let me be in charge of household aesthetics. This includes paint color, linen threadcount, serveware and silverware patterns. You can have a room to do whatever the hell you want with it as long as I don’t have to spend time there.
8. I earn it, I burn it. You earn it, we pay the bills and then you buy me something. …I’m only kidding.

What qualities would be on your “list”?  And for those of you who are in successful relationships, what things have I missed?  Hopefully by writing these qualities down, I’ll choose someone who is equally worthy of all I have to offer…

Note:  I must give credit to my friend Iris, who contributed to my list making last night while eating at 15 course Greek dinner and drinking 3 (maybe 4?) glasses of wine.  Fellow Belles make the single life a hell of a lot more fun to navigate.

So here goes:

In 2012, I resolve to not date Mr. Right Now.

There, I’ve said it. This might sound like an obvious goal for a single gal but I can assure you it has not always been my policy when dating. Most of the time I manage to meet someone who has some of the qualities I’m looking for and then I fill in the blanks with my own creative imagination. This has obviously not proven a successful strategy. The thing is, just when I think I’ve identified him, he’s sneaks up, disguised as someone else. He’s a sneaky fucker, that Mr. Right Now. His red flags appear more like maroon, cranberry, or cabernet. But I’m done kidding myself.

This year I am going to pay attention to red flags when they boldly wave themselves in front of my face. I will hone in on my compatability profiling skills and when someone is not a good fit, I will walk away. I’m also making the commitment to rid myself of all those relationship “loose ends” that I keep for rainy days and ego boosts. After all, you cannot have space for something new and wonderful in your life if you are still clouding it up with “so-so” material. Therefore, I have come up with 10 beaus a belle will not be dating this year. For all the single belles looking for a healthy relationship, I suggest you eliminate these from your pink book as well.

1. Mr. Potential: This is the guy who is still in the process of “figuring out what he wants to do with his life”, but it won’t happen while you’re dating him. A relationship will only serve as another distraction. In past years, I’ve defended dating this guy because I told myself that not everyone has had the opportunities that I’ve had in Chicago. The truth is, income and ambition have nothing to do with each other, whereas passion and success do. I will no longer allow “he’s really cute/has nice ass/rubs my shoulders” to compensate for unemployment.
2. Mr. Prick: I will no longer date the guy who is really great, except for when he’s an asshole. I deserve someone who thinks I’m fantastic, because I am. The things that make me different, including my eclectic taste in shoes, should not be used as insults against me. I have a big group of intelligent, successful, and caring friends who think I’m amazing, flaws and all, and it’s time that I start dating someone who does too.
3. Mr. Data Dater: Maybe this is picky, but I’m sorry, my hands are tired. Part of working from home means that I have to rely on alternative forms of communication all day long. Trust me, it’s easier for me to deny your date request via text too, but for fear of one day only being able to express my feelings with emoticons, I beg you: Pick up the phone. If I bite, the receiver is still there to protect you.
4. Mr. Repeat: You’re tempting, and it’s flattering to hear from you again… and again. But if it didn’t work out the first time, there’s a good chance we’ll still be dissapointed the second time around (as well as the third, fourth,…). I’ll leave a small window open for those who have experienced major life changes or more than 5 years has passed. However, nine times out of ten we’d be better off if we just keep on keeping on, which is exactly what I plan to do.
5. Mr. Enigma: You know who you are, you sexy MF. You are so hard to figure out, so I give up. Relationships shouldn’t be this hard, not in the beginning anyway. If you can’t clearly communicate what is going on inside that gorgeous head of yours now, then you definitely won’t be able to with the added stress of a crying baby/barking dog/nagging relative/overdue bill/home repair, etc. I refuse to be the only adult in an adult relationship.
6. Mr. Needy: I’m a busy gal, and at times my job can be demanding. If you’re going to complain every time I can’t IM about the YouTube video you emailed me, lets go separate ways and find someone who can adequately meet our needs. I have a lot to offer someone. I’ll go out of my way to think of ways to make my man feel special, just typically not between the hours of 9-5.
7. Mr. Lonely: I’m deleting this guy’s number from my phone/computer/address book. No one wants to be a backup plan, including myself, so I shouldn’t string you along “in case” things don’t work out with the 100 guys whose number I dial before yours.
8. Mr. Fishy: Somethings not right and I just can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it’s that you don’t answer my call but send me a text 5 minutes later? Maybe you tell me the same story twice… every week. Maybe the last 20 people who commented on your Facebook page are women (with profile pictures that suggest they are auditioning for music videos)? Maybe you don’t answer calls when we’re together? For whatever reason, I suspect I’m not the only girl in your life, and 99.9% of the time I’m right.
9. Mr. Just-A-Friend: This guy prefers to “take things slow” when it comes to everything but the bedroom. He’s constantly morphing from cat to mouse and you never know which one you’re gonna see. He’s the guy who makes you feel like you’re rushing things… after 6 months. This guy is great if you’re looking to waste time, but as I mentioned, I’m not. I’m going to leave Casual Steve to date other women while I find someone who can meet my needs.
10. Mr. Magic: Here one minute and gone the next, otherwise defined by night and day. You’re never sure if he’s reliable to follow through with plans…unless they’re scheduled after 10 pm. Or he waits until last minute to make plans, all of which are also after 10pm. You wait up for him and sacrifice needed sleep to see him, and you can’t remember the last time he saw you wearing something other than yoga pants and Ugg slippers. I’m looking for someone who is excited to be with me, day AND night. Booty calls are so last decade.

Hi from Henry!

Hey Belles!  I’m traveling for work this week but in the meantime I thought I’d let Henry say hello since it’s been awhile since he’s made an appearance.

Hope you are all having a great week!

-Belle

The other night a friend asked me for relationship advice and it reminded me of one of the last things I said to The Coach, which was this:

“You and me are the only ones who will ever really know what happened between you and me.”

To me, that meant that we already know the truth, more specifically, our truth. Details get clouded in breakups.  We choose not to believe certain things about someone we care about.  We tell ourselves we’ve done everything we can.  We tell ourselves the person is crazy.  We tell ourselves whatever we need to hear at the time to get through and get past whatever it is we’re holding onto or trying to forget. While we all reach out to others to advise us on important decisions, the most important person we should be listening to is ourself.  I receive emails every day containing stories, questions and dilemmas. I get text messages, phone calls and Facebook mesages, voicemails and snail mail.  I can think of maybe a handful of people in my life who haven’t asked for my advice on relationships. And while I don’t always have the time to respond to everyone, or the answers that you’re looking for, I hope by expressing my doubts and insecurities about The Coach (or anyone/thing else in life for that matter), it helps you work through whatever questions you have in your relationships. The truth is: no one but you will ever really know what happened between you and someone else.

Having said that, we all reflect on our past relationships.  Most of the time when things end, there are questions that go unanswered.  The past couple of weeks, a lot of you have shared some of the questions that keep you up at night.  A lot of them I’ve asked myself at times so I’m going to answer a few with what I’ve found to be true based on my experiences.

Does he still think of me? Yes, he still thinks of you.  But probably not the way you want him to and evidently not enough to try to reconcile.

I can’t believe he hasn’t called: Is it really that easy for him not to call? He’s probably thought about calling you, but I promise one day you’ll look back and be glad he didn’t.  I can’t tell you how many times an ex has called to tell me about something really great or something really bad and it would always start like this, “I know I shouldn’t call but “this” happened and you were the only person I wanted to talk to.”  I should have told them to call their new girlfriend and hung up, but I didn’t.  And you know what?  As soon as they picked up the pieces or the excitement died down, they went right back to where they came from. So believe me when I say: he might stare at that phone every day and want to call you, but be glad that he doesn’t.

Do they look at my Facebook page to see what I’m doing? Oh Facebook, what did we do before you came to be such an integral part of our life?  We moved on a lot faster is what we did.  We didn’t torture ourselves with reliving the heartbreaking reality that it didn’t work out over and over.  He/She looks at your Facebook page, and if they haven’t then they will at some point.  Unfortunately, they aren’t looking at your page as much as you are looking at theirs.  Quit twisting the knife that is painfully protruding from your gut and “un-friend” your ex.  Then go to your Privacy Settings and add them to your Block List.  When you do this, not only can they not see you but you can’t see them.  You can always be “friends” again down the road, but lets be honest… you have enough friends.  I know it’s hard to cut that proverbial cord, but do it.

Was there something I could have done differently to make it work? No, there is nothing you could have done differently.  If there were, the conversation would have started like this, “It would mean a lot to me if you would ….” rather than, “I want to see other people.”

Why did they lie/cheat/disappear instead of being honest? He/She wasn’t honest because that would require a very uncomfortable conversation, and not everyone in life is loyal and respectful.  It’s very possible the end will never make sense, but knowing “why” doesn’t change anything.  Sometimes accepting reality is what helps your reality to change.

Are they happier with their new boyfriend/girlfriend? Maybe, but probably not.  My dad told me something years ago that was some of the best advice I’ve ever heard.  “Fundamentally, people don’t change.” We all have our deal breakers.  Whether you had any say in the end of the relationship, I promise one of your deal breakers was being violated and making it impossible for things to work.  Does this mean its your fault?  Of course not.  It means that you weren’t compatible.  It also means if he/she was deceptive/dishonest/unfaithful/selfish with you, they are doing the same deceptive/dishonest/unfaithful/selfish bullshit in their new relationship.   And be honest, do you really care what their relationship is like?  No.  It doesn’t change the fact that this behavior wasn’t okay with you.  All you need to know is this: all that chaotic bullshit they disrupted your peace of mind with, is now someone else’s problem. Everyone has their deal breakers, it’s part of who you are. Fundamentally, people don’t change.  And neither do you, (nor should you).

How long before I’m over this person? However long it takes. Every relationship affects us differently depending on where we’re at in life.  Years ago I was engaged to someone I was with for almost 5 years.  When it ended, I thought I’d never move on.  And yet, within a couple of months I couldn’t think of a single reason we tried so hard to make it work.  When he did get married, I was genuinely happy for them both.  What I thought initially was devastating turned out to be the best thing that could have ever happened to me.  I realized very quickly that while we were both good people, we were horrible together.  Dating and relationships are trial and error.  You learn something new about yourself from every person who comes in and out of your life.  You take the good lessons with you and leave the bad stuff behind you.  Everything thats happened to you or will happen to you is part of you becoming who you are supposed to be and in this case, ending up with who you are supposed to be with.  When things end, have faith that something better lies ahead.  Allow yourself to believe that things happen for a reason and focus your energy on discovering what that is.