See for ladies, “Mr. Ugly” can translate into Mr. Loud and Obnoxious, Mr. Bigot, Mr. Casanova, Mr. Mooch, or any other number of characters you run across on your average night out.  It can be a real minefield for single Belles, if you want to know the truth. And for those of us who have suffered the repercussions of making bad decisions, we’ll go to great lengths to save another sister from having to do the same.

Which leads me to a recent night out with two of my closest Chicago Belles.  My friend Gina and I met at a neighborhood bar for a couple drinks.  Shortly after, our friend Iris came out to meet us with this handsome guy she met at the Sundance Music Festival a couple weeks before.  As usual, one drink led to another and before we knew it we were having a better time than everyone else in the bar.  It was, ehh, maybe 9:00pm.

Before long, I wandered off looking for new friends to join in on our fun, and it just so happened that several good looking guys walked in and settled at the table in front of us.  We made introductions and small talk, and minutes later we met their other friend…John Giovanni.  John Giovanni was attractive, well built, nicely dressed, and seemed like a good guy.  Except for, well, his name.  He introduced himself to Iris and said, “Hi, I’m John.  My real name is Giovanni, but I go by John.”                 WHAT?!?!                I could see Iris trying to rationalize what he said or determine if there was, in fact, a way to shorten Giovanni into simply John… but it just didn’t work.  So from then on, we addressed him as John Giovanni, a name I seriously doubt we’ll forget anytime soon.

Now, John Giovanni had a pretty suave way about him.  It was no secret he had a thing for Gina.  Maybe it was the way he stood uncomfortably close to her breathing down her neck and whispering what I can only imagine were awkward “sweet nothings” in her ear, or maybe it was how he’d look at Iris and I with an assuring tone and say, “I got this.”  John Giovanni was confident in his abilities to seduce our friend, as only an American/Italian  (or maybe neither???) could.  Throughout the evening, John Giovanni continued to repeat that confident phrase at every opportunity he had.  If I was going to remember one thing from this intoxicated evening, it would be that John Giovanni, “got this.”  Of course, what John Giovanni didn’t get was that there was no way we were letting our girl go home with “My name is Giovanni but I go by John.”

See, not only do friends NOT let friends take home ugly men, but we also don’t let friends take home douchebags.  And the later it got, the more John Giovanni established himself as a huge douchebag. After last call, at say…3:00am, we started gathering our things to leave.  John Giovanni and his crew wanted to go to another bar but I knew the smart thing would be for us to head home.  Now, usually telling a group of guys you need to go home isn’t a struggle but John Giovanni was determined to keep Gina out for “just one more drink”. He looked once again and assured me, “I got this.”

Ugh… I was in no condition to deal with a clinger so to get him off our back I told him we would meet them at the next bar for one drink.  Simple enough, right?  Wrong.  John Giovanni was smart enough to see past my white lie and as his friends got in their cab, he stayed behind to take a cab with us.  My plan of escape was officially ruined…

As our cab driver headed down Lincoln Ave., my mind was racing trying to think of another way to get the hell away from this creep.  I turned to Gina, who had long lost her decision making skills, and tried to convince her that going to another bar would not be a good idea.  I told her that even if, (through foggy drunk goggle lenses), he seemed like an appealing option, she would thank me in the morning. Gina turned her head to respond, and John Giovanni just continued to lick her face and while moaning, “I got this.”  Ick!

We were pulling up to the bar and I had to think fast.  The cab came to a stop and I went to give the driver some cash.  The cabbie looked at me sympathetically, realizing the tragedy he was witnessing, and then I had a stroke of genius.  I looked back with a slightly stunned look on my face and said, “Aren’t you going to open our door for us?” John Giovanni was startled by my request but quickly pulled it together to prove himself a gentleman and exited his side of the cab. Simultaneously, I looked back at our driver and with gusto yelled, “MOVE IT!”  Before John Giovanni could get to the other side of the cab, he was left in our taillights… staring as we sped away.

I tipped our cabbie generously and Gina and I stumbled our way into my condo building and in the elevator to my floor.  As expected, when we woke up the next morning, Gina had no recollection of how our evening ended, which made me feel better about leaving John Giovanni in our taillights with that puppy dog look on his face.

But you know, that’s what friends are for.  We’re there to make the smart decisions for you when you won’t remember making the bad ones for yourself.  We’re thoughtful enough to remember to get the guy’s card so if by chance you really ARE in love with him when you wake up the next day, you can call him!   And if you’re REAL lucky, you have the kind of friends who will laugh even harder the morning after, rehashing another crazy night out over bloody mary’s and mimosas.  Now that, is what best friends are for…

Note:  If by chance you are smooth enough to sneak away from your friends and go home with aforementioned douchebag, please refer to my previous post: A Beautiful Stranger.  After all, shit happens.

Oh, I know… I shouldn’t be such a killjoy about Valentine’s Day just because I’m not in love.  This year Chicago just seemed to be going so overboard with celebrating the Hallmark holiday.  If I got one email about a romantic dinner for two, I got 20.  Last year I spent Valentine’s Day in San Diego working, which was a welcome distraction.  This year, however, I wasn’t able to blame my single status on my career, so I made sure to have something better planned than “dinner for two”.   My girlfriends and I had a date with the Nina Fresa Martini Tree at Sushi Samba.

Okay maybe two martini trees, but you get the point.  My friend Gail and I have started the tradition of celebrating our birthdays with this stiff strawberry sensation and it’s never let us down.  It was a fabulous evening with three of my favorite Belles ever.  And after the day I had lived through… well, it was just what I needed.

 So let me start from the beginning…

I woke up around 5:30 or 6:00 as usual, only when I opened my eyes on Valentine’s Day, it looked like my pillow was covered in rose pedals.  Could that be possible?  Did the man of my dreams find me in my sleep and decide to make all of my dreams come true?

Of course not, what I was actually seeing was the beginning of a horrendous nosebleed all over my 1050 thread count sheets.  I panicked and ran into my office to grab a box of kleenex, leaving a trail of artificial rose petals all the way through my place as Henry followed in confusion (and  horror.)  It was AWFUL.  And it wouldn’t stop!  After going through an entire box of kleenex while laying down on my hardwood floor so I wouldn’t ruin anything else in my place, I started having images of newspaper headings and Facebook status posts…Independent Belle dies alone in Chicago residence, found 2 weeks later.   I felt lightheaded so I went to grab my cell phone and quickly laid back down to keep my head back and avoid bleeding out on my floor and leaving Henry traumatized for his remaining years.  I was losing a lot of blood but I wasn’t real sure what to do… this wasn’t a usual occurrence for me.  I thought it would be pathetic to call 911 and report an emergency nosebleed, but then I started to think to myself, “by the time I DO lose enough blood for it to become an emergency, I’d pass out and it would be too late!”

Henry was sitting next to me shaking the way he does when he goes outside in the cold weather.  He was definitely going to need therapy after this if I didn’t do something… quick.  So without further thought, I grabbed Henry, another box of kleenex and headed out my door leaving the crime scene behind us.  I went down to my lobby and asked my doorman if I could hide behind the desk with him for a bit so I didn’t have to think about dying alone on Valentine’s Day anymore.

Now…if I haven’t ever mentioned how wonderfully caring and nonjudgemental my doormen are, let me do so now.  They are right up there on my list of favorite things next to long weekends and shoe shopping.

After a few minutes I had calmed down and my reenactment of the Valentine’s Day Massacre had come to an end.  Relief doesn’t even begin to explain what I felt.  I stood up, only to realize that in addition to looking like the victim of a violent crime, Henry had blood streaked highlights in his hair and my flannel valentine heart pajamas were ruined by remnants of my morning scare.

Henry and I returned to my place and I spent the rest of the day cleaning up the disaster from earlier.  Henry sat in the kitchen sink and soaked in puppy shampoo and conditioner as he watched me put my place back together.  Once his hair had returned to normal color, I dried him off and we took a nap before I left for my fun filled evening with the girls.

On the positive side, my stress filled morning and resulting blood loss made me a cheap drunk so I had plenty of money leftover to buy a new pair of sheets!  When I returned home at the end of Valentine’s Day, I checked my mail and found that my parents had sent Henry a Valentine gift, which REALLY helped make up for everything he went through that morning.  Needless to say, we both slept soundly that night and were thankful to wake up perfectly healthy the rest of the week.

Now it’s time to start looking forward to a much more exciting holiday celebration for a single belle in the city… St. Patrick’s Day!

Think back to sometime in high school when you started dating someone new and you shared the news with your friends to see what they thought about the person.  We were superficial then, we were quick to judge, we were insecure about ourselves enough to know that making someone else feel insecure was a temporary boost to how we felt.  As we grew up, our responses became more genuine. When we told our friends we were seeing someone new, they wanted to know what attracted us to them, how the first date went, how serious we saw it getting, etc.  The idea that a friend would respond by saying, “ewwwe, he’s a dork” just didn’t hold the same importance to our maturing egos.

Then we became adults and life got so much more complicated. Deciding what WE were looking for in someone else was hard enough, never mind caring who any of your friends chose to spend their time with.  We all just assumed that the person must be great to attract our friend’s attention.  More importantly, we trusted that our friend was intelligent enough to choose someone who improved their quality of life and made them happy.  No longer were the days of giving our opinion of someone we did not know personally, it didn’t make sense.

And yet, there are still those individuals in our lives who we feel will always be judging our choices. Those people exist in everyone’s life. Maybe without realizing it, we’ve encouraged their input, or even asked for it.  And maybe, as with some family members inevitably, we’re going to have to hear their opinion whether its requested or not.  Unless you were born into a culture that believes in arranged marriages, choosing who you fall in love with is one of the only major decisions in which we take on all the risk ourselves…

For instance, if you want to have the career you love, you need the employer to hire you.  If you want to buy the house you love, you need the bank to finance you.  But if you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, your decision isn’t dependent on an institution or professional advisor.  If things don’t work out, no one else has skin in the game.  You are the one who will live with your choice, so shouldn’t you be the one to make it?

I think for the most part, the vocal critics in my life have already come to grips with the fact that who I end up with will probably look nothing like who they would choose for me.  Maybe he’ll have tattoos (it’ll be okay dad), or their primary language will be Spanish…maybe they’ll be a completely different race, or maybe they’ll have strong religious beliefs that are different from my own.  I might fall in love with someone who already has kids, or someone who doesn’t want kids.  As a matter of fact, the person I end up with probably doesn’t look anything like who I imagine myself with!  What I do know is that when I choose to be with someone, it will be a choice that only I can make.  And I would want that person to be just as confident in their choice to be with me.  I would expect those who love us will accept and support our choice, knowing that we are intelligent and capable human beings.  Maybe I’m wrong.  But I suspect not, and because of that, I believe this to be true…

Those who matter, don’t mind. Those who mind, don’t matter.

Ours – Taylor Swift

Last weekend I was on a date with a particularly handsome man and he mentioned a list I hadn’t made recently… we’ll call it a “Love List”. He and a friend had written down a list of qualities/qualifiers they were looking for in a significant other. Instantly, I was a little intimidated by this list and it’s mysterious contents. It wasn’t too long before my insecurities started to creep up and the rest of the evening headed in the opposite direction…

Over the past couple of days though, I’ve been thinking that maybe having a “Love List” of my own wouldn’t be a bad idea. As much as it is desirable for me to have qualities someone else is looking for, it’s equally important that they have the qualities I’m looking for. Maybe it’s not enough to just identify the things we’re NOT looking for in someone…but instead we should focus on the things we ARE looking for. Of course, this means identifying what qualities I find most important. My guess is, we probably all did this in college at some point, but I can imagine my list has significantly changed in the past 10 years (no wonder I’ve been dating all the wrong guys!)

So, with that said, I’ve started creating my own list. Every time something petty comes to mind, I move it to the “Bonus” section. After all, everyone deserves a little extra credit…

L-O-V-E  L-I-S-T

1. Security. The most important quality I look for is someone I feel safe with. Safe to confide in, safe to trust, safe to face adversity with, safe to be myself around. Nothing puts me on cloud nine more than knowing someone has my back.
2. Loyal. No exceptions.
3. Considerate. Without a doubt, the little gestures of kindness mean the most to me. Even if everything isn’t always 50/50, I want to know that my opinion matters.
4. Dependable. I pride myself on being independent but there is something liberating about the thought of NOT having to do everything alone.
5. Confidence, confidence, confidence.  Friends have told me that I’ll have to date someone with a big personality, but really, I think I just need someone who is secure enough to accept MY big personality.
6. Communication.  Most importantly, someone who will fight fair. No one likes admitting that they’re wrong. And sometimes it’s just as difficult to accept an apology as it is to give one. Being able to talk about issues without making low blows makes disagreements a lot easier to resolve (and keeps me from acting like a crazy bitch).
7. Philanthropic. I want to be with someone who gives back to the community in some way, and someone who supports my community involvement as well.
8. Passion…for something. In addition to me, of course.
9. Personable. Don’t embarrass me in public.
10. Tolerant. If you have a problem with me celebrating at the Gay Pride Parade, or if you can’t handle me meeting my friend in Andersonville so she can pick up girls while I brag about our amazing heterosexual sex life…you’ll have to get over it. Diversity makes me a better person, and makes the world a more interesting place.
11. Responsible. I’m all for nursing someone to health when they’re sick and thinking of ways to help make each other’s life easier, but if you can’t maintain day-to-day life on your own, I refuse to manage it for you.
12. Excitable. No need to jump on the couch like Tom Cruise, but be able to get excited about a few things…sports, vacation, sex, classic cars, etc. Take your pick.

“Bonus Points”

1. Treat me like a lady, even when I forget to act like one.
2. Please be the bug killer, household fixer, and lawn mower. And please handle all tasks that come with step-by-step instructions in the form of shitty diagrams. We won’t get from A to B together, as fast as you can on your own.
3. Don’t judge me for dressing up my dog. It makes you laugh too.
4. If the crosswalk says “no”, don’t tell me “go”.
5. A good smile.
6. Toilet seat down please.
7. Let me be in charge of household aesthetics. This includes paint color, linen threadcount, serveware and silverware patterns. You can have a room to do whatever the hell you want with it as long as I don’t have to spend time there.
8. I earn it, I burn it. You earn it, we pay the bills and then you buy me something. …I’m only kidding.

What qualities would be on your “list”?  And for those of you who are in successful relationships, what things have I missed?  Hopefully by writing these qualities down, I’ll choose someone who is equally worthy of all I have to offer…

Note:  I must give credit to my friend Iris, who contributed to my list making last night while eating at 15 course Greek dinner and drinking 3 (maybe 4?) glasses of wine.  Fellow Belles make the single life a hell of a lot more fun to navigate.

So here goes:

In 2012, I resolve to not date Mr. Right Now.

There, I’ve said it. This might sound like an obvious goal for a single gal but I can assure you it has not always been my policy when dating. Most of the time I manage to meet someone who has some of the qualities I’m looking for and then I fill in the blanks with my own creative imagination. This has obviously not proven a successful strategy. The thing is, just when I think I’ve identified him, he’s sneaks up, disguised as someone else. He’s a sneaky fucker, that Mr. Right Now. His red flags appear more like maroon, cranberry, or cabernet. But I’m done kidding myself.

This year I am going to pay attention to red flags when they boldly wave themselves in front of my face. I will hone in on my compatability profiling skills and when someone is not a good fit, I will walk away. I’m also making the commitment to rid myself of all those relationship “loose ends” that I keep for rainy days and ego boosts. After all, you cannot have space for something new and wonderful in your life if you are still clouding it up with “so-so” material. Therefore, I have come up with 10 beaus a belle will not be dating this year. For all the single belles looking for a healthy relationship, I suggest you eliminate these from your pink book as well.

1. Mr. Potential: This is the guy who is still in the process of “figuring out what he wants to do with his life”, but it won’t happen while you’re dating him. A relationship will only serve as another distraction. In past years, I’ve defended dating this guy because I told myself that not everyone has had the opportunities that I’ve had in Chicago. The truth is, income and ambition have nothing to do with each other, whereas passion and success do. I will no longer allow “he’s really cute/has nice ass/rubs my shoulders” to compensate for unemployment.
2. Mr. Prick: I will no longer date the guy who is really great, except for when he’s an asshole. I deserve someone who thinks I’m fantastic, because I am. The things that make me different, including my eclectic taste in shoes, should not be used as insults against me. I have a big group of intelligent, successful, and caring friends who think I’m amazing, flaws and all, and it’s time that I start dating someone who does too.
3. Mr. Data Dater: Maybe this is picky, but I’m sorry, my hands are tired. Part of working from home means that I have to rely on alternative forms of communication all day long. Trust me, it’s easier for me to deny your date request via text too, but for fear of one day only being able to express my feelings with emoticons, I beg you: Pick up the phone. If I bite, the receiver is still there to protect you.
4. Mr. Repeat: You’re tempting, and it’s flattering to hear from you again… and again. But if it didn’t work out the first time, there’s a good chance we’ll still be dissapointed the second time around (as well as the third, fourth,…). I’ll leave a small window open for those who have experienced major life changes or more than 5 years has passed. However, nine times out of ten we’d be better off if we just keep on keeping on, which is exactly what I plan to do.
5. Mr. Enigma: You know who you are, you sexy MF. You are so hard to figure out, so I give up. Relationships shouldn’t be this hard, not in the beginning anyway. If you can’t clearly communicate what is going on inside that gorgeous head of yours now, then you definitely won’t be able to with the added stress of a crying baby/barking dog/nagging relative/overdue bill/home repair, etc. I refuse to be the only adult in an adult relationship.
6. Mr. Needy: I’m a busy gal, and at times my job can be demanding. If you’re going to complain every time I can’t IM about the YouTube video you emailed me, lets go separate ways and find someone who can adequately meet our needs. I have a lot to offer someone. I’ll go out of my way to think of ways to make my man feel special, just typically not between the hours of 9-5.
7. Mr. Lonely: I’m deleting this guy’s number from my phone/computer/address book. No one wants to be a backup plan, including myself, so I shouldn’t string you along “in case” things don’t work out with the 100 guys whose number I dial before yours.
8. Mr. Fishy: Somethings not right and I just can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it’s that you don’t answer my call but send me a text 5 minutes later? Maybe you tell me the same story twice… every week. Maybe the last 20 people who commented on your Facebook page are women (with profile pictures that suggest they are auditioning for music videos)? Maybe you don’t answer calls when we’re together? For whatever reason, I suspect I’m not the only girl in your life, and 99.9% of the time I’m right.
9. Mr. Just-A-Friend: This guy prefers to “take things slow” when it comes to everything but the bedroom. He’s constantly morphing from cat to mouse and you never know which one you’re gonna see. He’s the guy who makes you feel like you’re rushing things… after 6 months. This guy is great if you’re looking to waste time, but as I mentioned, I’m not. I’m going to leave Casual Steve to date other women while I find someone who can meet my needs.
10. Mr. Magic: Here one minute and gone the next, otherwise defined by night and day. You’re never sure if he’s reliable to follow through with plans…unless they’re scheduled after 10 pm. Or he waits until last minute to make plans, all of which are also after 10pm. You wait up for him and sacrifice needed sleep to see him, and you can’t remember the last time he saw you wearing something other than yoga pants and Ugg slippers. I’m looking for someone who is excited to be with me, day AND night. Booty calls are so last decade.

Hi from Henry!

Hey Belles!  I’m traveling for work this week but in the meantime I thought I’d let Henry say hello since it’s been awhile since he’s made an appearance.

Hope you are all having a great week!

-Belle

The other night a friend asked me for relationship advice and it reminded me of one of the last things I said to The Coach, which was this:

“You and me are the only ones who will ever really know what happened between you and me.”

To me, that meant that we already know the truth, more specifically, our truth. Details get clouded in breakups.  We choose not to believe certain things about someone we care about.  We tell ourselves we’ve done everything we can.  We tell ourselves the person is crazy.  We tell ourselves whatever we need to hear at the time to get through and get past whatever it is we’re holding onto or trying to forget. While we all reach out to others to advise us on important decisions, the most important person we should be listening to is ourself.  I receive emails every day containing stories, questions and dilemmas. I get text messages, phone calls and Facebook mesages, voicemails and snail mail.  I can think of maybe a handful of people in my life who haven’t asked for my advice on relationships. And while I don’t always have the time to respond to everyone, or the answers that you’re looking for, I hope by expressing my doubts and insecurities about The Coach (or anyone/thing else in life for that matter), it helps you work through whatever questions you have in your relationships. The truth is: no one but you will ever really know what happened between you and someone else.

Having said that, we all reflect on our past relationships.  Most of the time when things end, there are questions that go unanswered.  The past couple of weeks, a lot of you have shared some of the questions that keep you up at night.  A lot of them I’ve asked myself at times so I’m going to answer a few with what I’ve found to be true based on my experiences.

Does he still think of me? Yes, he still thinks of you.  But probably not the way you want him to and evidently not enough to try to reconcile.

I can’t believe he hasn’t called: Is it really that easy for him not to call? He’s probably thought about calling you, but I promise one day you’ll look back and be glad he didn’t.  I can’t tell you how many times an ex has called to tell me about something really great or something really bad and it would always start like this, “I know I shouldn’t call but “this” happened and you were the only person I wanted to talk to.”  I should have told them to call their new girlfriend and hung up, but I didn’t.  And you know what?  As soon as they picked up the pieces or the excitement died down, they went right back to where they came from. So believe me when I say: he might stare at that phone every day and want to call you, but be glad that he doesn’t.

Do they look at my Facebook page to see what I’m doing? Oh Facebook, what did we do before you came to be such an integral part of our life?  We moved on a lot faster is what we did.  We didn’t torture ourselves with reliving the heartbreaking reality that it didn’t work out over and over.  He/She looks at your Facebook page, and if they haven’t then they will at some point.  Unfortunately, they aren’t looking at your page as much as you are looking at theirs.  Quit twisting the knife that is painfully protruding from your gut and “un-friend” your ex.  Then go to your Privacy Settings and add them to your Block List.  When you do this, not only can they not see you but you can’t see them.  You can always be “friends” again down the road, but lets be honest… you have enough friends.  I know it’s hard to cut that proverbial cord, but do it.

Was there something I could have done differently to make it work? No, there is nothing you could have done differently.  If there were, the conversation would have started like this, “It would mean a lot to me if you would ….” rather than, “I want to see other people.”

Why did they lie/cheat/disappear instead of being honest? He/She wasn’t honest because that would require a very uncomfortable conversation, and not everyone in life is loyal and respectful.  It’s very possible the end will never make sense, but knowing “why” doesn’t change anything.  Sometimes accepting reality is what helps your reality to change.

Are they happier with their new boyfriend/girlfriend? Maybe, but probably not.  My dad told me something years ago that was some of the best advice I’ve ever heard.  “Fundamentally, people don’t change.” We all have our deal breakers.  Whether you had any say in the end of the relationship, I promise one of your deal breakers was being violated and making it impossible for things to work.  Does this mean its your fault?  Of course not.  It means that you weren’t compatible.  It also means if he/she was deceptive/dishonest/unfaithful/selfish with you, they are doing the same deceptive/dishonest/unfaithful/selfish bullshit in their new relationship.   And be honest, do you really care what their relationship is like?  No.  It doesn’t change the fact that this behavior wasn’t okay with you.  All you need to know is this: all that chaotic bullshit they disrupted your peace of mind with, is now someone else’s problem. Everyone has their deal breakers, it’s part of who you are. Fundamentally, people don’t change.  And neither do you, (nor should you).

How long before I’m over this person? However long it takes. Every relationship affects us differently depending on where we’re at in life.  Years ago I was engaged to someone I was with for almost 5 years.  When it ended, I thought I’d never move on.  And yet, within a couple of months I couldn’t think of a single reason we tried so hard to make it work.  When he did get married, I was genuinely happy for them both.  What I thought initially was devastating turned out to be the best thing that could have ever happened to me.  I realized very quickly that while we were both good people, we were horrible together.  Dating and relationships are trial and error.  You learn something new about yourself from every person who comes in and out of your life.  You take the good lessons with you and leave the bad stuff behind you.  Everything thats happened to you or will happen to you is part of you becoming who you are supposed to be and in this case, ending up with who you are supposed to be with.  When things end, have faith that something better lies ahead.  Allow yourself to believe that things happen for a reason and focus your energy on discovering what that is.

Here is a 30 second summary of pre-funk background to get you caught up:

A couple of my friends (husband and wife) from back South came to stay with me for a week of Chi-town fun.  These friends also happen to be mutual friends of The Coach, and as a result we all hung out together several times.  Overall, it was a really great week.  I was completely caught off guard by how effortless it was to be around The Coach again, given how difficult it was when things ended.  I know all of this sounds really positive, only now that our friends have returned home and we’ve gone back to our separate lives… I miss him.  Like really miss him.

So was all the fun worth it?  Sure it was.  Even if we continue to live separate lives here in Chicago, I’m glad we were able to leave off on a positive note.  Looking back at how things ended last year, I still feel regret. The end felt like a can of coke was constantly imploding in my stomach.  Unpleasant seems too pleasant a word to use.  Mean is a more appropriate word.  We became different people in those last months, maybe in an effort to self-protect and maybe because we were stubborn and hurt.  Either way, the end result was that we went from being best friends who depended on each other every day to not being friends at all.  It felt like a death.

After seeing him again, I feel like our conversation ended in the middle of a sentence.  In reality, it ended with me waking him up on my couch (after a late night of playing “beer pong” and “jenga” on Division) so he could get ready for work, while his current girlfriend blew up his phone repeatedly.  Not exactly the ideal setting for closure of any kind.  A part of me feels like this isn’t the way things are supposed end.  Maybe I’ll always feel that way when it comes to The Coach?

What do you think a Belle should do?

A) Call and see if he wants to come pick up his shirt and sunglasses, and see how things go?

B) Call and let The Coach know I had a lot of fun and really miss having him in my life.

C) Wait a couple weeks to see if he calls.

D) Keep moving forward and quit looking back.

Comment below or email me at Belle@IndependentBelle.com

Despite my extended absence: NO, a Belle did not run off and get married.  My absence was merely a result of late nights in the city followed by long days soaking up the sun on my rooftop deck, where, unfortunately WiFi is about as reliable as the guy I dated last summer. Actually, a Belle did get married, just not THIS Belle. However, it happened to be one of the most amazing Belles I’ve ever met.  There are so many reasons why this wedding seemed different than others; there seemed to be something karmic about it, and how it left everyone with restored hope for our own romantic futures…

……………………..

My friend, Pam, and I met at work my first year living in Chicago, before the possibility of being an Independent Belle had entered my mind.  She still tells the story of seeing me walking through the office in my bright patterned Stuart Weitzman heels with a smile on my face.  They were my very first pair of what would soon become a long love affair with Stewies.  As time went on we became quick friends over lunches and coffee breaks and before I knew it she was the closest friend I had in Chicago.  The day came when my engagement to my college sweetheart ended abruptly and my ability to hide my uncertainty was nonexistent.  I had left my entire life back South; my friends, my family, my sense of familiarity with my surroundings… to move across the country and start a life with someone I loved.  Those few days after our split are vague from all the stress I felt deciding what my next steps would be.  But what remains clear is how Pam supported me in every way possible.  It was the first time since moving to Chicago that I hadn’t felt alone.

I decided to stay in Chicago and begin a new chapter in life: single, naive, a little scared, and uncertain if I could make it on my own in such an expensive place… but excited to create a life that I loved. Without a doubt Pam’s advice, encouragement, and support in the years that followed, played a major part in shaping me into who I am today.  My path has been filled with obstacles and setbacks along the way, and I’ve certainly made mistakes but regardless of how difficult things seemed, Pam was there to cheer me up and remind me of my strengths.

Over the years we’ve had countless girl’s nights out, shared lots of funny dating stories, and even more bottles of Prosecco.  We’ve cried over failed relationships, celebrated promotions, birthdays, holidays and spent hundreds of other seemingly insignificant hours together doing nothing special and still having fun.  Pam is exactly the kind of person I only hope to be on my best days.  Our small group of girlfriends has morphed over time but Pam has always been someone I knew I could count on at any hour to be there for me.  That is a very rare quality to find in someone, and unfortunately one that’s often taken for granted.

Brian came into the picture about two years ago.  Pam, being the hopeless romantic she is, had decided to get back out on the dating scene with complete certainty that THIS time would be different.  I remember being nervous the first time I met Brian, which makes me laugh now to think about.  The thing is, once you’ve been wrong about choosing Mr. Right, you hesitate to let another prospect into your life beyond the life you share together.  Knowing that Pam was confident about someone enough to introduce him to the people who loved her the most was a really big deal.  Much like a parent hates to see their child get hurt, Pam was my chosen family and I knew she deserved happiness more than anyone. Luckily, their romance has been storybook worthy and I’ve developed a trust and confidence in Brian that I never had with anyone else Pam had dated.  When Pam and Brian got engaged, I was ecstatic.  And before I knew it, the big day was here.

I’ve been happy for all of my friends when they got married (even those who have gotten married twice).  But weddings have never made me think about the actual commitment two people make to each other, or for that matter, if I will ever find someone I’d be willing to make that commitment to.  Too often everything gets clouded by the details and plans that go into a wedding.  It can become a production rather than a celebration.   Added by the fact that marriage is dulled by the divorce rates echoed daily in the media.  I’ll admit that I’ve become a little jaded over time…

But when I looked ahead as my friends said their vows to each other and saw how happy they were to be making the commitment to each other… not because they had to or because it was “that time in life” but because they CHOSE to, I started to believe in the idea of happily ever after again.  What I don’t think we’re told about “happily ever after”, is that my version won’t be the same as my friend’s version… everyone’s will be different.  And in that moment I realized the friend who showed me so much about how to be independent and stand on my own two feet, was now showing me that it’s possible to trust and allow yourself to depend on someone.  And as she starts a new chapter in life, I’m so grateful that I’ll have the opportunity to show love and support through all the experiences that lie ahead of her.

p.s. Oh, and one more thing!  I caught the bouquet, so you know what that means…

Well, traditionally you know what that means.  For me, it means drinking entirely too much bubbly, dancing in entirely too high heels, and developing a crush on the singer of the band.

You never know though…maybe my turn is next?

Aside from my weekly adventures buying organic produce, I’m also getting the Chicago Chapter of Dining For Women back up and running.  This is a fantastic way to combine spending time with friends AND helping others.  The way it works is the money you would have spent going out with your girlfriends (which in the city can be a hefty fee), you instead get together at someone’s house once a month and have a potluck (or wine/cocktails/etc.) and the money you would have spent “dining out” you donate to a chosen non-profit organization that helps to advance women’s independence and well-being somewhere in the world.  Dining For Women selects organizations every month and provides information for everyone to learn a little about where their money is going.  So not only are you spending time with friends and being a good philanthropist, but you also learn about other women and cultures around the world… I think you’d call that “killing three birds with one stone” and there aren’t too many times we get to do that in our busy schedules.  Check out Dining For Women’s website and see if there is a chapter near you.  If there isn’t, start one yourself!  I promise if I can manage to pull it off, you can too.

With all the time I’ve spent enjoying my new neighborhood, hanging out with friends, and planning parties… I haven’t spent a minute thinking about my love life (okay, or lack thereof.)  …You know what?  It’s been REALLY nice for a change!  I mean, believe it or not, I don’t actually enjoy the emotional roller coaster I seem to end up on repeatedly, although yes, I’ll be the first to admit I have a hard time getting off the ride once I’m on.  Giving myself some time to focus other things that are important to me has been an unexpected serotonin boost.

So while I don’t have any dating disaster stories to serve as entertainment on Girl’s Night Out (who am I kidding, I still have plenty left) my schedule has remained unusually busy despite the lack of drama.  As for tonight, my “partner in crime”, Nickole, is in town from Houston for the weekend and we’ll be starting our weekend festivities early having dinner and drinks with friends, followed by what I’m sure will include… alcohol, low standards, poor decisions, and a lot of fun.

I hope my fellow Belles have plans to get into a little trouble this weekend too!  Cheers!