Photo by: Tim McCoy

I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t ever fallen for a handsome face.  It normally starts with a girls night out, a few drinks, and the next thing you know you spot him at the bar.  Common sense tells you to look away but you’ve been burned recently and that develish belle on your shoulder is whispering, “you deserve to have a little fun!”  So when he smiles that charming grin at you… it doesn’t seem like such a bad idea to give him a nod to come over.

Maybe you have more drinks, maybe you end up dancing, maybe his friends meet your friends, or maybe it’s closing time before you’re ready to say farewell.  What’s a Belle to do?  (Note: we all know EXACTLY what we should do at this point, but we’re also thinking without the influence of dirty martinis, red patent “Stewies“ and diamante lashes.)  The rest of the night can turn out a number of different ways, depending on how deviant that devilish belle on your shoulder is, but after all is “said” and “done”, we’re in the same predicament when the sun comes up….

Is now the time to panick?  No.  Is now the time to ask yourself how the HELL this happened?  No.  Belles, now is the time to recover with class and haul ass.  Which is precisely why I will refer to the brilliant experts responsible for the famed, “Worst Case Scenario Handbook“, for the best way to handle the unfortunate situation you’ve gotten yourself into.  What situation would I be referring to???

HOW TO SURVIVE IF YOU WAKE UP NEXT TO SOMEONE WHOSE NAME YOU DON’T REMEMBER…

Here’s what to do…

“If you wake up at their place:

1. Do not panic.   Evidence of your partner’s name exists somewhere nearby.  Your task will be to find it before he awakens, or before he starts any sort of meaningful conversation.

2. Get up and go to the bathroom.  The bathroom is a normal place to visit first thing in the morning, and it is also a place where you might discover his name.

3. Look through the medicine cabinet for prescription medicines with his name on the label.

4. Sort through magazines, looking for subscription labels with his name and address.

5. Go through wastebasket to find discarded junk mail addressed to him.

6. Return to the bedroom.  If he is awake, ask him to make coffee for you.  Use the time alone to search the bedroom for evidence.  Look for: wallet, checkbook, ID, photo album, business cards (a stack of cards, not just one), or luggage labels.  If he is sleeping, look for these and other items throughout the house.

BE AWARE: Try to find at least two items with the same name to be certain that you have identified him, unless the name on one item rings a bell.”

OR, HEAVEN FORBID

Here’s what to do if…

You’ve brought the beautiful stranger to your place:

“1. Use terms of endearment when addressing him.  Do not guess his name.  Acceptable terms of endearment are:

*Honey/Sweetie/Cutie

*Darling/Baby/Sugar

*Beautiful/Handsome/Gorgeous

2. Unless you are certain you have ample time, do not go through his belongings.  If your partner is showering, you can count on having at least a few minutes of privacy to search through his belongings.  Otherwise, do not risk it – it would be far more embarrassing to be caught searching through his possessions than to admit you cannot remember his name.  (He may be in the same predicament.)

3. Ask leading questions while making small talk.  Fishing for information is risky and can backfire by calling attention to what you are trying to do.  However, if you feel you can pull it off, try to trick him into revealing his name:

* While getting dressed, pull out your own ID and ask him if he thinks that your hair is better now or in the picture.  Laugh about how silly you used to look.  Ask him if he likes the picture on his license.  (He may think you are checking his age.)

* Ask him if he ever had a nickname.  He might say, “No, just (Name).”

4. As he is leaving, give him your business card and ask for his.  If he does not have a business card, ask him to write his vital information on yours.”  

Belles, now the indiscretion is over.   You can breath a sigh of relief because you have either discovered their name or you have at least gotten them out your front door.  Either way, the horror is done for now.  Your next steps are crucial for your recovery from this bad hiccup.  Rather than beating yourself up about what happened, go to the kitchen and fix yourself a bowl of fresh berries with whip creme and a large glass of water (sparkling if you’re feeling hungover.)  Then get your cell phone off the charger and text your girlfriends immediately so they can have a laugh with you about how alcohol leads to great workouts on the dancefloor and bad decisions off. 

Afterall, what’s done is done.  You can’t hit rewind so you might as well learn from the situation and move on.  If you can laugh at yourself in the process, you’re ahead of the game….

Either way, miraculously I ended up having a fantastic Valentine’s Day.  And in true Independent Belle fashion, we’ll choose to proudly learn our lessons from those deemed unworthy and focus our attention on those who deserve it.  Nuff said…

My Valentine’s Day started Saturday night at my friend, Jim’s, house.  Not only did he fix me fabulous cosmopolitans all night and shower me with compliments but he also introduced me to a ton of new people, which is always tops in my book.  Before the end of the evening, my friends Jim, Eric, and Kent decided they would take me to brunch for Valentine’s Day.  I think we can all agree that three handsome gentleman trump one any day.

Honestly though, I had a great Valentine’s weekend and my three handsome friends reminded me of something very important… I deserve nothing short of happiness.  I know, I know… we say it all the time and I’m the first one who preaches not to compromise but even an Independent Belle like myself has been known to let the line get a little grey.  

It starts so innocently… he falls through on a small commitment but has a good excuse about why… and you accept it.   You tell yourself to shake it off and remain positive.  Next thing you know… the terms of endearment are harder to pick out of the conversations, and you start getting a little insecure and asking yourself, “Is it just me or did he used to be sweeter to me, more of a gentleman?”  Finally, you’re doing your best to focus on the positives and not dwell on the negatives.  …And Belles, this is the point where you know you have a definite Mr. Knockoff.  Cut your losses and go call someone who is guaranteed to cheer you up, the sooner the better.

Which is exactly what I did.  I surrounded myself with people who knew me as well as I knew myself and wouldn’t let me get down and out over some wishy-washy guy.  I surrounded myself with friends who made me laugh.  I laughed so hard that tears filled the corners of my eyes and my cheeks turned pomegranite red.   And before I even got a chance to change his ringtone… that pang of disappointment had faded to pure indifference.   (I did, of course, change his ringtone… he’s now Cowboy Cassanova by Carrie Underwood.)

This all took about a week, which lets face it… is more time than Mr. Knockoff deserved but it is what it is.  My wounds have healed and that dreamy image has been replaced with the clear reality that I may not ever understand what happened or why.  What I do know is that he did me a favor in the end, and for that, I can only say thank you…

I can recall with exceptional accuracy the way I felt when I had my first crush.  Like a addict in an episode of Intervention, I’ve been chasing that high ever since.  It’s intoxicating, you know?  I could sum it up by calling it “butterflies” but its so much more. Its anticipation, excitement, sparks, and waking every morning with a big smile on your face wondering if you’ll see each other… all rolled up into one.  It’s like Valentine’s Day every day, except without the hopes of perfection.  There are no expectations, it just simply is.

Having said that, I’m no longer 11 years old; I’ve got all kinds of expectations when it comes to men, and it is, in fact, about to be February 14th.  Last year I managed to coast through the holiday without so much of a daydream about cupid.  It was refreshing.  My heart felt perfectly safe cuddled on the couch with Henry.  This year, however, yours truly has a date.

And not just any date, but a date with a man who makes me feel much like I did when I was only 11 years old.  Only now I’m cornering 30 and I no longer have to be supervised by adults.  What does this mean?  …. anything is possible.  And this Belles, is a control freak’s worst nightmare….

After plans were set with my handsome date, aka The Artist, I hung up the phone and shared a quick celebratory dance with Henry. Halfway through Michael Buble serenading us, it occurred to me that a Belle has a lot to do before the big day.  (Note: This is my typical reaction in any situation where I know I’ll have little control over the outcome.)  My virtual checklist started populating itself as I jotted down a quick “To Do List”.  Only, it wasn’t quick.  When I finished regurgitating my thoughts and ideas I looked at a piece of paper that was completely covered in handwriting, and it wasn’t a post-it.

Rather than get overwhelmed with the monstrosity of tasks I had created, I decided it would be better to get to work.  This, Belles, was January 18th.  What followed was three days of scheduling appointments to be colored, waxed, sucked, bleached, painted, primed, plucked, sprayed, trimmed, and hemmed over the week preceding aforementioned date. Oh, and I hadn’t even started thinking about my home.  I mean, you never know what could happen.  One minute we’ll be sipping wine over dinner and great conversation and the next we could be headed for the Stearns & Foster.  My head started spinning….

The possibility of this happening resulted in another list of things that would need to be done beforehand.  I felt a sense of overwhelm creeping up on me but then I paused and thought, “Am I the only one who does this?!”  My speedy transformation from a successful confident and happy Independent Belle to an overwhelmed, anxiety ridden freak was definitely disturbing.  Is everyone putting this much time into getting ready for a date with someone they might not even have a connection with?  At what point does it go from “putting your best foot forward” to wearing someone else’s heels altogether?  And, more importantly… what if there is a connection and it does develop into something more… are you then obligated to maintain this level of perfection that you’ve established on date one? Who could possibly do that?!

I’ll admit, The Artist and I have a history, so this wouldn’t exactly be a first impression. And while I’m not the same Belle I was when we met, I wouldn’t want to be.  I spent years of my childhood in the South trying to be the best version of who everyone else thought I was rather than being myself.  But despite that, the thing I remember most about The Artist is that he was one of the few people I felt I could be myself around.  I trusted him.  He felt safe.  So why was I panicking all of a sudden?

The answer was simple, taking chances is risky.  In addition to that, opening yourself up to be vulnerable around someone you cared for in the past can be dangerous territory. Regardless of how confident and secure you are with yourself, your opinion isn’t the only one that gets a voice when it comes to matters of the heart.  Eventually, you find yourself standing in front of someone you have feelings for, hoping that they will like you back. (Come to think of it, this was exactly the kind of situation I had been avoiding like the plague.)

What I do know for sure is if my date does go well, (and I’m sure it will) I want The Artist to know ME and not some filtered version of the truth.  I have a lot to offer the right person and authenticity is a big part of that.  If I’m being honest, that euphoric feeling of a first crush has a lot more to do with natural chemistry than it does with the perfect manicure and freshly retouched highlights.

So Belles, I won’t be sleeping at the salon for the next week and it’s very possible that I will forget to dust something in my home… but at least I won’t be pretending.  And with just a week left before the big V-Day date, I feel surprisingly at peace with that.

I’m talking about my memory.

When I was 25, I had a pretty severe seizure without any warning.  Soon after, I was heavily dosed on medication to prevent me from having another, and in the process it prevented me from doing much of anything.  Every time I would go to the doctor for a follow up visit I would explain my side effects from the medication (dizziness, drowsiness, confusion, coordination problems).  I’d struggle to put my thoughts in complete sentences without getting confused or forgetting what I wanted to say.  My Neurologist reminded me that much of the time they never find out what causes seizures and that sometimes the benefits of medication outweigh the cons.  Which… ya know, wasn’t especially encouraging.

Word got around quickly about what happened and people reacted in a variety of different ways.  Some wanted to know I was okay, while others assumed I was brain damaged.  In the beginning, I didn’t know the answer to either.

See… what I went through at that point wasn’t just a grand mal seizure, but an enormous amount of stress over what role (if any) they would play in the rest of my life.  Immediately following, my memory from one day to the next was gone.  I didn’t realize this of course, but my family would tell me about conversations I’d repeat.  In addition to memory loss, the medication made me foggy and confused.  The worst experience was one day while speaking at an event, my speech started slurring and I had no way to control it.  I was absolutely mortified, specifically because I have always been a strong speaker and comfortable in front of large crowds.  After that, I began to pressure myself to work longer hours so no one would know anything was different, all the while in fear that I could have another seizure.  After my speech slurred (which, by the way was a side effect of the medication and not the seizure), I began to isolate because I felt it was too hard to hide both the effects of the seizure and the side effects of the medication.

It was a long journey to finding the right solution and ultimately regaining my self-confidence.  Long story short, things got worse before they got better.  Two years after my first seizure I had another while I was driving and was in a three-car accident (thankfully, everyone was fine).  Determined to find the cause, I met with a new team of Neurologists and Epileptologists, and spent a week in the hospital with wires glued to my head  (which… you can imagine, was a real treat.)  But it worked.  I was able to start a medication that didn’t make me feel like I was losing my mind, and was finally able to continue living a normal life without having to feel constant anxiety and stress.  It goes without saying that everything I went through changed my life.  Looking back, here’s what I learned:

1.  Beauty is fleeting.  Thank God for that.

My experiences helped me (narrowly) escape from being just another workaholic who put too much thought into others’ opinions.  Not to mention, I was spared from the cycle of depression that consumes many women in life.  I was proactive about my health and did everything in my power to get the best treatment, even if it meant second opinions.  My conclusion: how people perceive you is largely based on how you present yourself.

2. People can be hurtful. That’s their problem.

One of my friend’s has a daughter who is severely epileptic and at a young age suffered brain damage, leaving her with the approximate mental capacity of a 2 year old for the rest of her life.  My friend didn’t move her daughter to assisted living to be cared for by strangers because of this.  She gave her anything she wanted, knowing there were so many things in life she would never be able to have.  She dedicated 100% of her life to her daughter, for reasons I only started to appreciate years later.  Temporarily losing my memory gave me, for a brief time, a very small taste of what my friend’s daughter encounters every day of her life. I pity people who equate someone’s circumstances with their value as a person. This in general applies to people judging you for anything at all.  In the end, you come to find that the most vocal critics are often the most insecure.

3. Other people have things you don’t. Big deal.

There is no such thing as being the most beautiful person in the world (sorry Belles). Besides, who cares? If there were, it would only last long enough for the next pretty thing to walk through the door.   What is considered desirable is not necessarily worth getting hung up on. You may never be a five-foot-ten Victoria’s Secret Model with legs up to your neck – but for all you know, that same model would give her left arm to have your hair. This same idea applies to wealth, success, talent, and intelligence as well. Envying someone else is a zero-sum game, and uses far too much time and energy.  Use that energy expanding your knowledge on something you find interesting.

4. Confidence doesn’t come overnight.

It also doesn’t happen in a salon or a department store; it requires learning to love and accept yourself for who you are.  As with anything else worth having, it’s a lot work. But let me tell you, it’s totally worth the effort.  Confidence happens when you let it happen.  No one can give it to you, which is great, because it also means they can’t take it away.

5. When someone says I am beautiful, they really mean it.

There is something about knowing someone sees you, flaws and all, and likes what they see… something rare and kind of overwhelming. ‘Beautiful’ is one of those words that has lost meaning in being overused as a generic affirmative.  However, beauty really does come in many forms and I constantly push myself to grow intellectually as much as possible so I’m not relying on anything that will only fade over time.  I’m happy to be different enough that anyone who uses it to describe me sees more than just hair and makeup.

6.  Attitude is everything.

In the end, life is hard for everyone… it’s how you choose to face adversity that really matters.

1. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? Being alone
2. Where would you like to live? Wherever my family is…or somewhere near the ocean
3. What is your idea of earthly happiness? People who are tolerant of others
4. To what faults do you feel most indulgent?  Southern cooking… Butter, sugar, and deep fried
5. Who are your favorite heroines of fiction? Scout Finch, Elizabeth Bennet, and Scarlet, of course
6. Who are your favorite characters in history?  Daniel, John Adams, Elizabeth I
7. Who are your favorite heroines in real life? Mothers that struggle to keep their families afloat; my mom, Becky Ballard, for keeping ours
8. Who are your heroes in real life? My husband,  Jared Neufer-for everything; my dad, Sam Ballard- for not giving up
9. Your favorite painter? Queena Stovall
10. Your favorite musician? Van Morrison
11. The quality you most admire in a man?  Devotion
12. The quality you most admire in a woman?  Tenacity
13. Your favorite virtue?  Sensitivity
14. Your favorite occupation?  Mother, teacher
15. Who would you have liked to be? An architect
16. Your most marked characteristic? Empathy
17. What do you most value in your friends? Unconditional love and acceptance
18. What is your principle defect?  Not making more time for friends and family
19. What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes?  To lose true love
20. Who would you like to be?  Me, at home with my babies
21. What is your favorite color?  Yellow
22. What is your favorite flower?  Magnolia blossoms, gardenias…right now, camelias
23. Who are your favorite writers?  Harper Lee, Mark Twain
24. What are your favorite names?  Strong, masculine, preferably one syllable that can be drawn out into two
25. What is it you most dislike?  Dishonesty, and a bad cook

Okay I admit, this self proclaimed Independent Belle spends a little time daydreaming of Prince Charming, even if right now my definition of bliss includes a large enough 401(k) to retire early and an evening at Stuart Weitzman rather than “happily ever after“.  Fact is, we’ve probably already met “Mr. Right” only he went by another name.  Maybe you called him “Mr. Bad Timing”, “Mr. Needy”, or my favorite, “Mr. Just-A-Friend”. See, I think in a world where we’re constantly striving for perfection, we look for it in someone else even though we willingly acknowledge our own flaws.  Ultimately we know that perfection is a relative term and more importantly, not possible 100% of the time.  Personally, I’ve only met one man (aka Captain America) who has even gotten remotely close but fate intervened, (in the form of his employer), and transferred him to Europe… and there’s certainly nothing perfect about that.  :-)

As a result of this fixation on perfection, many of us end up doing 1 of 2 things, 1. Come to grips with the reality that a “Mr. Designer” doesn’t exist and therefore settle for that which appears to be designer quality but soon malfunctions and reveals major flaws… i.e. “Mr. Knockoff”, or 2. Avoid the situation altogether and instead indulge ourselves in pretty shoes, gadgets, heavy workloads, little black dresses, FOOD, more food, and Cosmos topped off with bottles of Prosecco to wash it all down and make it all go away.  You name it, chances are we’ve all been there and done it, and I can assure you stick figure sisters are no exception.  The problem is, neither of these options benefit us!

Does it seem easier to continue to give “Mr. Right Now” time we know he’s not worthy of when we could be spending it doing a variety of other things less disruptive to our personal lives?  Or better yet, is it O.K. that the only man showing up at our door on a regular basis is the Pizza Delivery Boy?  I know, it all seems a little extreme when put this way.  The fact is, whether we’re settling for an unfulfilling relationship or stuffing our faces and closets… we’re cheating ourselves because we aren’t living our lives in a way that makes us happy.

Here is what I propose: for my fellow Belles who are about to give their first kiss of the decade to “Mr. Right Now” … go on and get your kiss girlfriends but afterwards make a commitment to yourself that you will not compromise your standards for fear of losing someone you love.  Do not stand for any treatment that you wouldn’t want for your sister, niece, best friend, etc.  And finally, pursue something that makes you genuinely happy and can remain entirely your own so you always keep perspective on your sense of self.

And for my fellow Belles who will be ringing in the New Year being fabulous and single… don’t forget to mingle.  Make a commitment to yourself to put yourself out there, even if it means feeling a little vulnerable at first.  If you’re tired of the same 2 bars in your 3 road town, get online!  Personally, I feel like the South is filled with tons of beautiful and intelligent women who have a handful of eligible bachelors to pick from.  This results in that handful of guys losing their grip on reality and thinking it’s acceptable to treat women like daily soup specials.  This, Belles, automatically makes that handful of guys a perfect example of “Mr. Knock Off”.  They look good, but they don’t know how to act!  Don’t limit yourself to a 10 mile radius if 6 of it is farm land… the only way you’ll meet someone new is if his car breaks down on the side of the road. Instead, make it a team effort, confide in a friend and start your search together so you’ll have something new to dish about, hence a reason to get out of the house and meet for a drink once a week!

The bottom line is, we have to stop daydreaming and start living.  If there is an area of life that you’ve neglected while focusing on other goals, it’s time to play catch up.  Personally, I’ve spent a huge amount of energy and time focused on my professional life the past few years.  I even wonder at times if my success is a disadvantage for me in the dating scene.  Is my selection limited to men who can’t stand on their own two feet, begging me to take them on like a new project OR men who are equally successful, but emotionally unavailable.  Highly unlikely, but who knows the answers to any of our questions if we don’t get out there and find them ourselves?!

Come on Belles, say farewell to the Pizza Boy and trash that old wannabe, “Mr. Knock Off”.  Let’s make ourselves available to the lucky guy that is waiting for our fabulous ass to walk into his life!

Considering I spent a few years with guys who were “just not that into me”, its a great feeling and accomplishment to have confidence in myself.  As a result, I’ve made smarter choices in relationships and have dated some wonderful men.  There very well might be another guy down the road who is “just not that into me”, but that’s alright… as we all learn, the ones who aren’t into you will eventually lead you to the one who is, if that is what you ultimately choose.

So, this post is for those Belles who are ,like me, out there on the dating scene again.  Since this is one area where I have a few years of experience, I initially composed the following for my sister after she started dating again after her divorce.  Below that is a hilarious “masterpiece” my great friend wrote to steer me clear of as many, umm… D-bags (as my friend Nickole refers to them) as possible:

Belles -

* Don’t put your drink down at a bar, guys are more desperate than you’d think.  * Most guys just want to sleep with you.  * Be confident, but humble and kind.  * Be friendly but genuine.   * No city is big enough to avoid running into a one night stand.  * Mr. Right isn’t going to come to rescue you or sweep you off your feet; these days you have to be proactive and smart about it.  Nothing just “happens” to you.  * If they can’t cook, clean, and pay their mortgage then they had better be able to afford to have someone do it for them (that isn’t you.)    * If they live with their parents, you’re “just not that into HIM” no exceptions!  *Shots at bars + strange men = big mistake, & not one worth making.  * Shots with men period = mistake; (save stupid decisions for nights out with your girlfriends).  * If your text message includes a picture of your tits, expect to see it on someone else’s phone at some point down the road.  *Girlfriends don’t let girlfriends go home with ugly, weird, cheap, old, married, dirty, disrespectful, or aggressive guys.  * If 1 in 5 people get herpes, be the 4 out of 5 that put a hat on it.  * As a matter of fact, always carry a condom in your purse; don’t expect a guy to be responsible.  * Please note: You have to ask your OBGYN to test you for sexually transmitted diseases EVERY YEAR, they don’t do it automatically.   * Get a vibrator; you’re a big girl.  * If you like girlie drinks but are at a Pub and forced to order a beer, try a Hacker Pschorr (pronounced: Hacker Shore) or Blue Moon.  * My favorite beer is Stella, you should try it at least once.  * Pick a charity or topic of interest to learn more about… in the beginning dating has little to do with work and family so you want to have plenty of things to talk about; passions show depth.  * Quit going to the same places (or my New Year’s Resolution for 2008); make an effort to try one new place a month.  * Happy Hours at bars in downtown business buildings (or next to them, down the street, etc.) are great places to meet nice, employed, and MOSTLY single men.  * Note: No ring does not = no wife  * If you do give out your number, ONLY see him again if he asks you on a PROPER FIRST DATE… that means he picks you up, there is a dinner or planned activity, and he brings you home.  I’ve tried it and it’s actually fun, let me know what you think!  * If you question someone’s integrity, there is usually a reason why  * Make a list of all the qualities you want in someone, just don’t forget to list the basics.  * Know your worth and don’t let anyone tell you different.  * It’s okay to NOT be interested in somone romantically just because he’s a good looking, successful, wealthy, educated, and seemingly perfect guy… just because he’s someone else’s definition of “Right” doesn’t mean he has to be yours.  * You are great, anyone you date should think so too. No exceptions  * Life has many happy endings and some of the best don’t include or require a man.  * Spend time before you leave the house trying to look your best, after you leave just have fun.  * Most of all, when it comes to men and dating… BE PARTICULAR!  If you pick the wrong one, you just end up back at the drawing board so you might as well save yourself some time upfront.

And finally, pulled from the archives (2004)… the infamous “Rules Of Allowed Ass & Crushes” by my friend who is funny, beautiful, smart, and now… happily married to a very lucky man.

1. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? Lonliness
2. Where would you like to live? The Hamptons, NY or Santa Monica, CA
3. What is your idea of earthly happiness?   Loving and being loved
4. To what faults do you feel most indulgent?   A strong desire for material things
5. Who are your favorite heroines of fiction?  Must go with Wonderwoman
6. Who are your favorite characters in history?   Audrey Hepburn
7. Who are your favorite heroines in real life? Celine Dion, My best friend
8. Who are your heroes in real life? Any man, who in this day and time, can balance his career and his family, and forever remain loyal to his wife.
9. Your favorite painter? Don’t really have one
10. Your favorite musician? Elton John, Bon Jovi, and I always enjoy Harry Connik, Jr at the piano
11. The quality you most admire in a man? Sensitivity
12. The quality you most admire in a woman?  Sincerity
13. Your favorite virtue?  Patience
14. Your favorite occupation?  Acting
15. Who would you have liked to be?  A soap star
16. Your most marked characteristic? Attention to detail
17. What do you most value in your friends? Dedication
18. What is your principle defect?  Thinking too much; reading to much into things
19. What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes? Never being a mom
20. Who would you like to be?  Myself~as a soap star
21. What is your favorite color?  Pink
22. What is your favorite flower?  Calilillies and Gerber Daisies
23. Who are your favorite writers?  Laura Stonecipher!  Really~LOVE the blog entries; so well versed.  And Carrie Bradshaw  ( :
24. What are your favorite names?  Emmy, Libby, Elle
25. What is it you most dislike?  Ignorance (and spaghetti)  ( :                           Courtney S. Jackson

One of the tasks that comes with moving is going through everything and taking inventory of all your “stuff”.  More specifically, the “stuff” you’ve tucked away so you aren’t reminded of it (or in this case, him) all the time.

I’ve remained acquaintances with most of my Exes and despite my independent nature, I’ve even had my fair share of serious relationships.  (I suppose that’s what happens when you near 30 and still check the “Single” box…) Thus far, the main characters in my love life I’ll refer to as The Artist,  The Player (technically a baseball player, however, unfortunately remembered for his playing off the field), The Trader, The Business Man, The Golfer, and Captain America.  Ahh, just listing their names brings back memories of naivete and lessons learned.

It also brings up the question of whether you can be friends with an ex.  I used to think so, but as years go by, I’m becoming a skeptic.  Let’s face it, if the relationship didn’t end disasterous and you remain friends while both being single… there’s always the possibility that it could go back to being more.  However, when a new love interest comes into the picture, things seem to shift into the Fight or Flight mode.

This brings me to my latest “Ex” encounter, which happened to be with The Golfer.  The Golfer is a Professional Golfer, as opposed to The Businessman who played golf enough to make it his profession.  Everything moved so quickly with The Golfer from the day we met.  Our first 5 months were a whirlwind of romance and laughter.  I’ve never been with anyone so kind and considerate.  He thought of something little every day to make me happy.   But for whatever reason, (a few actually, some logical and others out of fear), I woke up one day and realized we were moving much faster than I was ready for.  A few months went by and I wished my feelings would change, but they didn’t and ultimately it ended in a very sad split… possibly the worst I’ve had.

See, in past breakups there has always been an exploding bomb, an undeniable reason why things needed to end.  I was always able to walk away from the situation and know that I would be better off.  My breakup with The Golfer was different, and I’ve always questioned my decision to split, my ability to have a balanced life, and whether or not my priorities were in the right order.  After a couple months, we became friends again… which I now realize was the beginning of a very fuzzy definition of friendship.  In many ways, looking back, he never stopped being the man in my life even though our friendship wasn’t romantic.  Sure, there were moments with sparks, but we never discussed it.  Until recently…

The past few months have been a combination of bad timing and failed efforts to rekindle the flame (on both our parts).  Recently, as I was sorting through my “stuff”, I came across a few things he had left behind that I had conveniently tucked out of sight.  I gathered the items and decided I’d drop them off while I was out running errands that evening.  What followed went something like this: I knock on The Golfer’s door, an unfamiliar man answers.  I ask for The Golfer, and the nice man tells me he moved in a few weeks ago and has no idea who The Golfer is.  I stood there like a deer in headlights…

Where did he go and why had he not mentioned he was moving?  Rather than ponder these questions at the unfamiliar man’s doorstep, I walked back out to the street and realized that I was completely in the dark (literally and metaphorically speaking.)  I had no doubt The Golfer would’ve told me if he were moving in with friends or getting a new place, especially considering we talked nearly every day and I was in fact, moving myself.  What was the explanation? … and then everything became clear.  The Golfer’s new living arrangements likely included a new romance…

Flashbacks of our firework beginning flashed in front of me, and it occurred to me that all the bad timing and failed efforts were probable signs that The Golfer was pursuing someone new, and more important, successfully.  When did all of this happen and why didn’t I catch on before now?  In my emotional (and regretful) state, I left The Golfer a colorful message about deceiving me and returned home feeling confused and hurt.  It was the end of something that I thought might possibly be beginning again.  He tried to reach me the following day, unaware of what had prompted my voicemail filled with four letter words and tears but we still haven’t talked.  I don’t know that there is anything left to say…  I have, however, been left wondering if friendships really are possible with an ex or if the past always manages to creep into the present.  Has anyone had successful friendships with an ex while they were both still single?  Or are Exes just someone to hang out with until someone new comes along?

I’m still mulling over what to do next about the Ex, and how to put him behind me.  While I know hundreds of books with advice on falling in love exist, I couldn’t think of any that covered falling out of love.  Luckily, I found the hilariously funny and smart book, “Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Ex”, by Michelle Fiordaliso and Heather Belle.  Forty years after David Reuben’s infamous book, Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex, Michelle and Heather help you figure out “what to do when the sex is over, and you’re left with an Ex.”  I’m learning quite a few things, including how to be a better Ex myself.

What are your thoughts and experiences with the Ex?  Any insight or advice would be greatly appreciated…

1. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? Being disconnected from the people I love
2. Where would you like to live? On a beach in Florida
3. What is your idea of earthly happiness?  Accepting everyone for who they are and what they want to be
4. To what faults do you feel most indulgent?  Impulse to dodge responsibility
5. Who are your favorite heroines of fiction?  Stephanie Plum
6. Who are your favorite characters in history?  Jacquline Kennedy
7. Who are your favorite heroines in real life? Single Mothers
8. Who are your heroes in real life? Anyone who can remain clam under intense pressure
9. Your favorite painter? Don’t have one
10. Your favorite musician? Dave Matthews Band
11. The quality you most admire in a man? Loyalty
12. The quality you most admire in a woman?  Level headedness
13. Your favorite virtue?  Patience
14. Your favorite occupation?  Sales
15. Who would you have liked to be?  Lottery Winner
16. Your most marked characteristic? Outspoken
17. What do you most value in your friends? Consistency
18. What is your principle defect?  Accepting others shortcomings
19. What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes?  To settle for less than you diserve
20. Who would you like to be?  A mother
21. What is your favorite color?  Purple
22. What is your favorite flower?  Iris
23. Who are your favorite writers?  Janet Evonovich, Dan Brown
24. What are your favorite names?  Anything unique
25. What is it you most dislike?  People who avoid reality
    

Send your completed questionnaires to Belle@IndependentBelle.com and we’ll continue to select entries to share!