Hi from Henry!

Hey Belles!  I’m traveling for work this week but in the meantime I thought I’d let Henry say hello since it’s been awhile since he’s made an appearance.

Hope you are all having a great week!

-Belle

I’m not exactly surprised with the response I received from my last post.  Friendships, relationships, romances, flings… regardless of how you define it, connections between people are complicated.  One of the advantages to writing this blog is that so much of the time I’m able to get a clear perspective on situations by hearing your point of view.  It’s therapeutic really.  For those of you who commented, you were all right… because there wasn’t a wrong answer.  We all make choices based on our past experiences.  For me, this meant listening to everyone’s advice and then taking an honest look at the facts. Ultimately, I realized everything that needed to be said had already been said.

The other night a friend asked me for relationship advice and it reminded me of one of the last things I said to The Coach, which was this:

“You and me are the only ones who will ever really know what happened between you and me.”

To me, that meant that we already know the truth, more specifically, our truth. Details get clouded in breakups.  We choose not to believe certain things about someone we care about.  We tell ourselves we’ve done everything we can.  We tell ourselves the person is crazy.  We tell ourselves whatever we need to hear at the time to get through and get past whatever it is we’re holding onto or trying to forget. While we all reach out to others to advise us on important decisions, the most important person we should be listening to is ourself.  I receive emails every day containing stories, questions and dilemmas. I get text messages, phone calls and Facebook mesages, voicemails and snail mail.  I can think of maybe a handful of people in my life who haven’t asked for my advice on relationships. And while I don’t always have the time to respond to everyone, or the answers that you’re looking for, I hope by expressing my doubts and insecurities about The Coach (or anyone/thing else in life for that matter), it helps you work through whatever questions you have in your relationships. The truth is: no one but you will ever really know what happened between you and someone else.

Having said that, we all reflect on our past relationships.  Most of the time when things end, there are questions that go unanswered.  The past couple of weeks, a lot of you have shared some of the questions that keep you up at night.  A lot of them I’ve asked myself at times so I’m going to answer a few with what I’ve found to be true based on my experiences.

Does he still think of me? Yes, he still thinks of you.  But probably not the way you want him to and evidently not enough to try to reconcile.

I can’t believe he hasn’t called: Is it really that easy for him not to call? He’s probably thought about calling you, but I promise one day you’ll look back and be glad he didn’t.  I can’t tell you how many times an ex has called to tell me about something really great or something really bad and it would always start like this, “I know I shouldn’t call but “this” happened and you were the only person I wanted to talk to.”  I should have told them to call their new girlfriend and hung up, but I didn’t.  And you know what?  As soon as they picked up the pieces or the excitement died down, they went right back to where they came from. So believe me when I say: he might stare at that phone every day and want to call you, but be glad that he doesn’t.

Do they look at my Facebook page to see what I’m doing? Oh Facebook, what did we do before you came to be such an integral part of our life?  We moved on a lot faster is what we did.  We didn’t torture ourselves with reliving the heartbreaking reality that it didn’t work out over and over.  He/She looks at your Facebook page, and if they haven’t then they will at some point.  Unfortunately, they aren’t looking at your page as much as you are looking at theirs.  Quit twisting the knife that is painfully protruding from your gut and “un-friend” your ex.  Then go to your Privacy Settings and add them to your Block List.  When you do this, not only can they not see you but you can’t see them.  You can always be “friends” again down the road, but lets be honest… you have enough friends.  I know it’s hard to cut that proverbial cord, but do it.

Was there something I could have done differently to make it work? No, there is nothing you could have done differently.  If there were, the conversation would have started like this, “It would mean a lot to me if you would ….” rather than, “I want to see other people.”

Why did they lie/cheat/disappear instead of being honest? He/She wasn’t honest because that would require a very uncomfortable conversation, and not everyone in life is loyal and respectful.  It’s very possible the end will never make sense, but knowing “why” doesn’t change anything.  Sometimes accepting reality is what helps your reality to change.

Are they happier with their new boyfriend/girlfriend? Maybe, but probably not.  My dad told me something years ago that was some of the best advice I’ve ever heard.  “Fundamentally, people don’t change.” We all have our deal breakers.  Whether you had any say in the end of the relationship, I promise one of your deal breakers was being violated and making it impossible for things to work.  Does this mean its your fault?  Of course not.  It means that you weren’t compatible.  It also means if he/she was deceptive/dishonest/unfaithful/selfish with you, they are doing the same deceptive/dishonest/unfaithful/selfish bullshit in their new relationship.   And be honest, do you really care what their relationship is like?  No.  It doesn’t change the fact that this behavior wasn’t okay with you.  All you need to know is this: all that chaotic bullshit they disrupted your peace of mind with, is now someone else’s problem. Everyone has their deal breakers, it’s part of who you are. Fundamentally, people don’t change.  And neither do you, (nor should you).

How long before I’m over this person? However long it takes. Every relationship affects us differently depending on where we’re at in life.  Years ago I was engaged to someone I was with for almost 5 years.  When it ended, I thought I’d never move on.  And yet, within a couple of months I couldn’t think of a single reason we tried so hard to make it work.  When he did get married, I was genuinely happy for them both.  What I thought initially was devastating turned out to be the best thing that could have ever happened to me.  I realized very quickly that while we were both good people, we were horrible together.  Dating and relationships are trial and error.  You learn something new about yourself from every person who comes in and out of your life.  You take the good lessons with you and leave the bad stuff behind you.  Everything thats happened to you or will happen to you is part of you becoming who you are supposed to be and in this case, ending up with who you are supposed to be with.  When things end, have faith that something better lies ahead.  Allow yourself to believe that things happen for a reason and focus your energy on discovering what that is.