Hey there Belles, we’ve got a lot to catch up on since I last wrote.  It’s been quite the whirlwind couple of weeks.  Now, before I sat down to write, I made myself knock on wood long enough for me to finish a glass of Prosecco… which I figured was enough (well, enough knocking on wood anyway… I decided to have a second glass of Prosecco.) Okay so here goes…

… a couple years back, my girlfriend, Pam, and I were talking and she was telling me about this amazing day she had. EVERYTHING seemed to go right for her.  Her spanx slipped on easily in the morning, she had a great hair day, her beau was being especially sweet, and when she left the office to go home only to realize it was pouring rain, a man with an umbrella magically appeared and asked if he could help her to a cab.  At the end of the day, she felt like she had been starring in her very own movie titled “Perfection”.  (Pause)

I know… I had a somewhat dumbfounded look on my face too. However, knowing what a great person Pam is, I was amused just to live vicariously through her good fortune.  After we talked, I sat and thought to myself, “why do I always have to pull so damn hard on my Spanx in the morning?”  ”Am I not due for a hassle free hair day?”  And, “what about some lovin’… I’ve got nothin’ going on in that department!”  Hours later when I walked outside to go to dinner, yep… it started pouring on my new ivory satin Stewies and there was no umbrella man in sight to save me!  Awful, I know.  But the real kicker???  It didn’t end!

That’s right Belles, for the past two years “yours truly” has been fighting those Spanx on every morning, investing enormous sums of money on worthless hair products, and putting up with the most questionable (selfish, negative, psychopathic, deceptive, bullshit) behavior from men.  Last year, a guy on a bicycle even ran over my brand new pair of Monolos that I had saved for three months to buy! Seriously Belles… it’s been a series of unfortunate events that Lemony Snicket couldn’t even dream up.

I’m not saying it’s been a completely miserable couple of years, I’ve definitely had my moments of bliss and more recently, some pretty hot romance… but it always seemed to come with a hefty price.  Even simple mindless tasks have presented a challenge.  Over time, I got used to “preparing for the worst” and trying (really hard) to keep a positive attitude.  God only knows what I would have done if I didn’t get to come home to a dog who looks like an animated Disney character!

Regardless, it all seemed to accumulate and weigh down on me to the point that I seriously started to question my sanity.  Whether it was sitting on that bench in the airport wailing over my latest failed love affair or sitting at my computer “Googling” treatment centers advertised as luxury beach resorts while chugging vodka and Crystal Light… all my racing thoughts and worries came to a silent halt.  I closed my laptop, put down the vodka, and took my ass to bed.  I didn’t even wash the mascara coated tears off my face.  What happened during the hours I slept that night, I’ll never know, but I woke up in the morning and something was different.  I felt like I was in the scene from 500 Days of Summer when Joseph Gordon-Levitt walks to work after a particularly good night… seriously, watch the clip:

500 Days of Summer dance sequence

I don’t know how else to put it except to say that everything started to click.  People were friendly everywhere I went.  The clouds parted and the sun started shining again.  When I went to put on my Spanx, I stopped when I saw that my tummy looked flat and my ass looked especially tight; and later that day at the salon I decided to get my hair colored brown after being blonde for 15 years and I LOVE it! Even my dreaded routine Brazilian… quick and absolutely pain free!  Every building I walk up to is coupled with a man there to open the door for me.  And both of my close friends had baby girls who are perfect, healthy, happy, and seem eager to wear their first pair of Stewies from Aunt Belle!

Just the other night when I came home, my doorman said, “WOW! You look amazing, I hardly recognized you!”  (… amen for doormen when there ain’t a man to come home to.)  Even my yoga practice has never been better!  And the best part??? …yesterday morning I got on the scale and had dropped 5 pounds!  It’s been nearly two weeks and I can honestly say, I haven’t been this happy in YEARS. (On that note, I better run knock on wood while I pour another glass of Prosecco.)

Now, I can assure you if I knew how to bottle this magic up, I’d be mass producing it and overnighting you an unlimited supply.   I can’t say for sure what the cause is, but I know the part of me that always tries to control everything and prepare for the worst, is on what I hope will be a permanent vacation.  And as for me?  Well, I’m gonna ride this wave for as long as it lasts and enjoy every second!