I recall back in High School when there was a trend to keep relationships a “secret”. And it was fueled by songs like “Creep” by TLC, in which a woman is aware of her lover’s infidelity so instead of doing any number of logical things (the first being to possibly put his ass on the couch), she has an affair with someone else in order to get the affection she needs. I admit, my girlfriends and I LOVED the song… we turned it up on the stereo every time it came on. Our relationships even started to mimic similar situations… because, of course, it seemed more acceptable now that Left Eye did it.
Shortly after, R. Kelly released a song called “Down Low (Nobody Has To Know)”. What can I say? Where “Creep” left off, “Down Low” picked up and not only did the girls like it but guys everywhere were adopting the concept of carrying on relationships on the “Down Low”. I suppose it added a little thrill to a rather boring dating life in High School. That, combined with the fact that obviously no one was thinking about the fact that when the thrill of sneaking around wasn’t present, it typically left girls feeling awful and wondering why they agreed to such an absurd notion in the first place. Why would there be a need to ignore someone in public and adore them in private?
Regardless, for years I watched my friends and I repeat these “Romeo and Juliet” forbidden romances as if we were part of a special club. If you were “in” the club, you knew who all the secret couples were. And when there was a “secret” breakup, you had any number of girlfriends there who knew how awful the heartbreak was. And when I look back, it makes sense to be upset that someone would decide that they didn’t like you enough to even carry on a relationship that was kept secret from 98% of your social circle.
The grown up version of this scenario might be what is commonly referred to as “friends with benefits”. It’s as if everyone didn’t learn enough from the heartache suffered during adolesense, so we go back for a second round as if it were more acceptable now that we’re old enough to drink alcohol and take out home mortgages. We’re busy, frustrated with an onslaught of first dates that don’t lead to seconds, working long hours, but more than anything… tired of feeling lonely. This is especially difficult when it seems like most of your social circle has settled down (you know, in normal, healthy relationships…). I’ll be the first to admit, I’ve been guilty of rationalizing such a situation.
The problem is, we’re missing an important fact. All the time we spend in these quasi-romances, we’re not making ourselves available for a real and fulfilling relationship with someone who doesn’t see the need (or have the desire) to stay holed up on the couch watching movies and taking turns staying the night, rather than taking you out on the town for a proper date. Because trust me, YOU deserve a proper date! I know this because once I realized that it was 10% pleasure and 90% pathetic, it seemed ridiculous to have ever thought it was worth the trade off.
All this being said, I recently listened to a friend as she struggled with whether to accept the reality of carrying on a relationship with someone on the “down low” or break it off. It seemed pretty obvious to me that there was only one person who benefitted from the current title of “friends with benefits”. As it stood, the guy could play the field any time he chose and be completely void of any responsibility for hurting her feelings because they were “just friends”. I expressed that no matter how many different times I’d seen this situation, it never ended good. Someone always got hurt whether it was intentional or not. It was at that moment that I started to question the status of my current romance. It seemed juvenile to focus on labeling it, and yet… it’s times when there isn’t open communication that someone gets hurt. Am I setting myself up for heartache?
While thinking about the predicament, I couldn’t help but think back to those high school years when the highs and lows of having a secret romance seemed so novelty. The thing is, songs like “Creep” were just that, songs. In reality, Left Eye ended up burning her boyfriend’s house down! Even worse, I recall the king of “Down Low”, R. Kelly, got busted for sleeping with a 15 year old girl. Not only that but there was a video tape released, that showed, of all things, him peeing on her! Seriously? Do we really want our relationships to reflect the message of someone who leaks (no pun intended) their “golden showers” to the media?
I realize every situation is different and I actually do believe on some level that two adults can have a purely physical relationship if there are clear boundaries established up front… but how often does that happen? Ultimately, I think we all want something more.
What are your thoughts on “friends with benefits”? Has anyone ever had a successful experience? Comment below or send your emails to Belle@IndependentBelle.com.
