I just finished moving into my new place. This was a much bigger project than I thought it would be. Actually, I’m lying. The last time I moved, it was just across the hall from the condo I was living in before, so I must have been dreading the thought of boxing up everything I own and starting someplace new. But I’m here, and it’s wonderful.
One of the tasks that comes with moving is going through everything and taking inventory of all your “stuff”. More specifically, the “stuff” you’ve tucked away so you aren’t reminded of it (or in this case, him) all the time.
I’ve remained acquaintances with most of my Exes and despite my independent nature, I’ve even had my fair share of serious relationships. (I suppose that’s what happens when you near 30 and still check the “Single” box…) Thus far, the main characters in my love life I’ll refer to as The Artist, The Player (technically a baseball player, however, unfortunately remembered for his playing off the field), The Trader, The Business Man, The Golfer, and Captain America. Ahh, just listing their names brings back memories of naivete and lessons learned.
It also brings up the question of whether you can be friends with an ex. I used to think so, but as years go by, I’m becoming a skeptic. Let’s face it, if the relationship didn’t end disasterous and you remain friends while both being single… there’s always the possibility that it could go back to being more. However, when a new love interest comes into the picture, things seem to shift into the Fight or Flight mode.
This brings me to my latest “Ex” encounter, which happened to be with The Golfer. The Golfer is a Professional Golfer, as opposed to The Businessman who played golf enough to make it his profession. Everything moved so quickly with The Golfer from the day we met. Our first 5 months were a whirlwind of romance and laughter. I’ve never been with anyone so kind and considerate. He thought of something little every day to make me happy. But for whatever reason, (a few actually, some logical and others out of fear), I woke up one day and realized we were moving much faster than I was ready for. A few months went by and I wished my feelings would change, but they didn’t and ultimately it ended in a very sad split… possibly the worst I’ve had.
See, in past breakups there has always been an exploding bomb, an undeniable reason why things needed to end. I was always able to walk away from the situation and know that I would be better off. My breakup with The Golfer was different, and I’ve always questioned my decision to split, my ability to have a balanced life, and whether or not my priorities were in the right order. After a couple months, we became friends again… which I now realize was the beginning of a very fuzzy definition of friendship. In many ways, looking back, he never stopped being the man in my life even though our friendship wasn’t romantic. Sure, there were moments with sparks, but we never discussed it. Until recently…
The past few months have been a combination of bad timing and failed efforts to rekindle the flame (on both our parts). Recently, as I was sorting through my “stuff”, I came across a few things he had left behind that I had conveniently tucked out of sight. I gathered the items and decided I’d drop them off while I was out running errands that evening. What followed went something like this: I knock on The Golfer’s door, an unfamiliar man answers. I ask for The Golfer, and the nice man tells me he moved in a few weeks ago and has no idea who The Golfer is. I stood there like a deer in headlights…
Where did he go and why had he not mentioned he was moving? Rather than ponder these questions at the unfamiliar man’s doorstep, I walked back out to the street and realized that I was completely in the dark (literally and metaphorically speaking.) I had no doubt The Golfer would’ve told me if he were moving in with friends or getting a new place, especially considering we talked nearly every day and I was in fact, moving myself. What was the explanation? … and then everything became clear. The Golfer’s new living arrangements likely included a new romance…
Flashbacks of our firework beginning flashed in front of me, and it occurred to me that all the bad timing and failed efforts were probable signs that The Golfer was pursuing someone new, and more important, successfully. When did all of this happen and why didn’t I catch on before now? In my emotional (and regretful) state, I left The Golfer a colorful message about deceiving me and returned home feeling confused and hurt. It was the end of something that I thought might possibly be beginning again. He tried to reach me the following day, unaware of what had prompted my voicemail filled with four letter words and tears but we still haven’t talked. I don’t know that there is anything left to say… I have, however, been left wondering if friendships really are possible with an ex or if the past always manages to creep into the present. Has anyone had successful friendships with an ex while they were both still single? Or are Exes just someone to hang out with until someone new comes along?
I’m still mulling over what to do next about the Ex, and how to put him behind me. While I know hundreds of books with advice on falling in love exist, I couldn’t think of any that covered falling out of love. Luckily, I found the hilariously funny and smart book, “Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Ex”, by Michelle Fiordaliso and Heather Belle. Forty years after David Reuben’s infamous book, Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex, Michelle and Heather help you figure out “what to do when the sex is over, and you’re left with an Ex.” I’m learning quite a few things, including how to be a better Ex myself.
What are your thoughts and experiences with the Ex? Any insight or advice would be greatly appreciated…
